sometimes love is not enough...

Korben and I broke up. I think it is better health wise for both of us. We need to both spend more time loving ourselves and less looking for completion in another. We both have a lot of work to do in our lives, I am looking forward to this journey.

Baby Bing in Boston - arrives

Baby Bing here:

We made it and the hotel is awesome! The bed is gigantic! And it has a beautiful quilt on it too.

Here is me sitting in the middle of it all:



I had to let everyone know I got in okay so called them all on my cell. Then I got the computer out for some blogging, and thought I would kick back and read a bit of a book before I headed to bed:

Baby Bing in Boston

Baby Bing has made the trek across country and he is decided to take over my blog to let everyone know about his adventures.

Baby Bing:
The airport was huge, so many people someone were wearing sandals and shorts, must not be on my flight to Boston! I got thirst and mom bought some water for us here is a picture of me hanging out waiting to be called to get on the plane:












Finally we were called on and I got buckled in.



Mom bought breakfast and I ate a bunch of it, it was great!

Valentines Day, the best ever

Today got off to a rocky start and I thought this would be the one to go into the record books as the worse, and then something happened, Korben and I connected. We had a fight and voices were raised but we finally got stuff out. There is more to be said but I released so much, and he has given me such great gifts, the latest being a build-a-bear that is called Baby Bing, and plays Brahm's lullaby - just like my favorite bear as a child did that I wound up over and over to comfort me on the hard nights as a 4 year old. That bear was a life line to me, and without realizing it Korben gave me a reminder of a time where bears were all that was needed to chase the bad thoughts and monsters away. He also gave me the opportunity to be a child in a bear store. He didn't know I wanted to go to the place ever since it opened, he just thought it would be something I would love, and that is amazing. He listens and gets me. I held that bear tight last night and amazing it made all the bad thoughts and monsters go away.

As I was saying even though he got me that precious gift, he gave me something better, the okay to let go and not always be afraid of not catching him if anything happened because he is sick or upset or anything. He reminded me he is an adult and I don't have to help if it hurts so much. And it has hurt lately. I cried like I haven't in ages, and I let go. And what I found after the tears calmed, pure love. The kind of love that makes me be able to be strong and say no, and say yes. The kind of love that lets me be a girlfriend, not a mother to him, not anything I am not. He hates hearing no, but we both hate it if I say yes and I resent it.

We laid together tonight, in each others arms and it felt amazing. I like it did the first night. I could feel every inch of his skin that was touching me and not in a sexual way, though I look over now and find him sexy as he snores, but in a souls touching kind of way. It felt pure, it felt amazing and reminded me also why I love him, he makes me laugh even when I don't want to or don't think I can. In the middle of a fight when I am snotty because of the amount of time I have been crying and he is slobbering a bit due to his meds, and he made me laugh telling me what a perfect couple we made at that moment. That moment where I didn't know if he wanted to stay alive or kill himself, a moment I didn't know if he wanted to tell me to leave or hug me. At that moment he made me laugh. I found the Korben again, more accurately I finally cleared my eyes of the shoulds and suppose-to's to see the Korben that I couldn't resist from day one. (okay day two, but it depends if it is me or him telling the story)

I am so full with love and joy and am scared that the no's will be tough for us both, but I am excited to be the person I was when we met (loving and happy and enjoying every breeze life sent my way) and see the person I fell in love with and felt passion for.

smooshed

I had to work late and now I find I don't want to go home. I don' t like what faces me at home. I am tired, I am drained, and I feel so little within me is able to recharge. I am not myself and I see it. It is making me tear up now to think about it. I find it hard to really care, what I tried today to do seemed to get smooshed so quickly and so dramatically that I am find it hard to scrape myself up off the cement. I feel like I have been ground in. I have hated my life before, but now I don't look forward to much. When ever I find one thing to find happiness from or about it seems two much bigger things are there to hammer the good away so I can't feel or see it any more. I have such amazing love for my dear Korben as well as for my sweet kitties (got another one) and yet I don't want to go home. I feel I have made a mess of the kitties, since they hate each other.

Everything I touch lately is like that, great yet bad. The kitty is great, but they hate each other so home is a mess. I broke my promise with the person I took him from, I promised to make a good home for him. This isn't a good home.

I want to hit rewind and do something over. I don't know what it would be that would be different but something, something I did that set me very very wrong.

New uses for that USB port

As I search my Amazon.com site, I found a new use for the USB port:
USB Powered Personal Massager

(click image to follow link)

Goodbye to you my dear friend...

I just found out a friend a year older than me died on January 12th. He was an amazing man, so happy and truly beautiful soul. He was a friend, not a best friend, but the friend that really touched your heart and made you smile no matter what. He was a friend of my ex. My ex and I haven't had that much communication lately yet he never mentioned it. I was shocked when I found out last night. I am still in shock. He had only been married a few years. It reminds me I am not healthy and am not taking care of myself. I don't want to be another one. I want to see him again but no this way. The only thing I can do is grieve his passing, celebrate his life, and remember I need to live mine like I have a year left.

Major I love you, and miss you greatly!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=8886166348&ref=mf

Bacon Candy

Okay sometimes it is hard to really fathom the food that is in this world.

Bacon Candy (with recipe)

ceramic vs.paper

Being a mug collector I thought I was doing my part for the environment, even if the mug was used just a handful of times.

I was wrong, I am doing my part, but the mug needs to be used a LOT more than a few times.

Check out this blog that discusses how many reuses equals the energy in making and disposing of a disposable cup:

Amazon Daily

Specific details of one research study gave this:
To break even with a Paper or Foam cup (the foam cup is much more efficient peruse in general) the following would need to be used this number of times:

Uses to break even with average energy per use with Paper Cups used once:
Ceramic 39 times
Plastic 17 times
Glass 15 times

Uses to break even with average energy per use with Foam Cups used once:
Ceramic 1006 times
Plastic 450 times
Glass 393 times

Source: Hocking, Martin B. "Reusable and Disposable Cups: An Energy-Based Evaluation." Environmental Management 18(6) pp. 889-899.

photos and "real" fashion...a great combo

I love photos and love watching fashion stuff...I am not a fashion person but hey I like to look. I found a great blog, it shows pictures of people on the street in their fashion. Now most of them look like models, but not all of them, and there are some outfits that real people might wear, not on the west coast per say, but totally reasonable wear.

Check it out:The Sartorialist (Scott Schuman)

Even though I don't hold grudges....

Even though I don't hold grudges, this is pretty cool and yet twisted gift/item:
The Ex 5-Piece Stainless-Steel Knife Set with Unique Holder

All things made by the company Fred, are pretty cool, check them out on Amazon.com