balance? ch'a as if!

James Ray says there is no such thing as balance. I am starting to agree with him. I have no balance. I am truly perplexed on a multitude of levels. Chaos is not my friend but keeps nudging its way in. Or do I keep inviting him in just because I have known him for so long?

How can I be more specific to the universe on what I want. I am doing the best I can and yet I find that I get exactly what I ask for but in some aspects of my life that isn't really what I wanted. I don't blame anyone but my self and yet I am finding such joy out of what I thought I didn't want. I laugh more, I feel like dancing more, I feel more afraid but actually more at peace than I have before. They are new fears, unlike any I have felt before. I like that they are different and that I am opening up to a whole different world around me. New possibilities.

I always knew that what I thought I wanted was only that way because of what limits I had from my own personal knowledge and experiences. I knew that what I truly wanted, especially for love, is something I have never experienced the likes of before. I am not saying I am there, I am not saying I am not. I don't know where I am, hence no true balance. And the fact I want it to go on forever, burn hot right now, and want it to stop all in the same whirlwind is either adding to the lack of balance or is part of the source. Do I really care which it is? Do I need to? I wonder if I need to know any of it.