on my toes

I have never been on my toes so much. I spent the entire weekend with my dear sweet penguin. I hadn't planned on it. There were moments that were less than perfect but it was the most perfect weekend I have had with a boyfriend. Here he is, and we were doing everyday things, and no fights, no put downs, no demeaning behavior that I have seen too often from past "loves". Instead, tenderness, kindness, playfulness and practicalness. We shopped for his place, he is starting from scratch. It is interesting to start with an empty palette, and to see how he colors his life. I have always had a talent to have that eye, and yet with him I don't. I realize I had an ego about what I thought I brought to a relationship. I had utter confidences in why I was a good mate, something that made me worth all my high maintenance, all my crazy. I had skills, one was decorating and having an eye, but several others as well. But they don't apply with him. He constantly goes left when I knew it would be right. I was frustrated at first, but if I knew he was going right it wouldn't be as interesting would it. He continues to be utterly unlike anyone I know down to the core of his being.

I was going to leave his place yesterday afternoon, let him have space and me have space, and as I was saying goodbye to him as he was sleeping, he awoke and pulled me into bed and wrapped his loving arms around me and I felt safe, love and appreciated. I felt a sense of home I have longed for. And we found our space, with each other. It was truly a perfect weekend. For I didn't want to run away, well only once and that was due to my own self centered frustration with money which had little to do with him. My mind was with him, it didn't go off to wonder what else I should be doing. I didn't feel the "shoulds" at all. I can't remember a time that I didn't feel should for so long. I love being on my toes and yet safe. I love falling in love with him more.