Bing and I went to one of my friends houses for dinner and games. It was great when we played kids games those are mindless and fun. I even one once. My friends young boy, 4 years old, came up to me and not only gave me hugs but curled up and nuzzled my neck while I was standing holding him. It felt wonderful. It felt scary. I looked at Bing as I stood there and the boy leaned his head against mine so were were cheek to cheek, and so such love, and appreciation. I really am scared at how good this all feels with him. How I can see us "settling down" and how having a kid of my own. That scares me since I am not sure if I could handle a kid 24/7. Something I don't need to worry about now, but still the thoughts go through my head.
I had such fun and he seemed to click with my friends. This are friends from Subud, a spiritual group I am considering joining. So the fact that he gets along with them, since they are a bit on the fringe usually when they are around our age, means a lot.
I once had a boyfriend hate a group I was part of. I didn't stop him when he put them down, put me down for being in it, and for being rude to my friends. It hurt so much, yet I wanted this acceptance more and he had a way of getting me to think that I needed it to survive. Bing is none of these, but I swore it would never happen again, so I am cautious yet openly falling anyhow. How does one handle that Paradox?
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