the unexpected unexpected

While getting to know penguin I started to get a sense of being able to expect a certain kind of unexpected actions. I enjoyed it. And yet yesterday he hit me with a totally unexpected, unexpected action. More like many. I saw a side of him and truly a side of myself I had buried.

To get on an even more random tangent, as a girl growing up I gave all of me at first not expecting anything. Then as I grew empty and not knowing how to replenish myself I did it an hoped just for acknowledgement. That rarely happened and the emptiness grew, and I wanted acknowledgement and appreciation. The giving slowed down for I had less to give. I saw my mother's bitterness for giving and not returning and realized I was going down that path. So I blocked off part of myself. Every so often I would try again giving and caring about all the little things in the world about another, and what I received was so often worse than indifference, it was anger. I was called stupid and frivolous and told that I wasn't worth an hour a week of the other person's time.

I had a knowing, which is stronger than any telling someone can give you, a knowing that my giving was right. I just misinterpreted the actions around me as telling me that I was imperfect, and I was at fault and I had to either try harder or give up. I gave up so much. I relied on the one thing I could give and rarely got complaints, sex and general kindness.

But what when they don't want sex? I often feel in the way then.

And then someone comes along and does the unexpected unexpected. And all the people around me circle round. So much unexpected unexpected. I can feel a small part of my heart that had been cold for so long, beating once again. a small opening to the outside world. I didn't want to be vulernable. I didn't want to not know what is to come. Yet the little girl, dressed a pink frilly dress (the one she always wanted but never got) is twirling around and is offering a hand out to have me surrender to the feeling without even identifying what it is or if it is good or bad, just that it is a feeling.