I have had several people pull me aside and ask me what is going on with me and that I don't seem like myself. I take it from what they say they are implying that I am not chipper, on task, giggling, optimistic 24/7 and am gaining weight.
I admit I am not the same person I was 4-5 months ago, a lot has changed. And that is it, I have had my life flipped flopped and it is taking me awhile to get my barrings. It happens. I don't adjust quickly, and when stress is involved AND a change in my spiritual path then I struggle a bit. I use to use one to alleviate the other and with both of them in the air I found I didn't have a grounding. I pretty much lost it.
But I am getting "it" back and feel good about it. I slip from time to time. And yet That is how it goes. I accept that, and people who have known me for a very long time see it, and let me do my thing. No one seems to understand it, including myself.
The food, and shopping has been a way to cope. A crappy way of coping, but then again there are tons worse.
Just when things seem to be settling they aren't. On a small note it doesn't help that I have been in PMS hell that has lasted a week and half and now that it finally started I feel drained. My body deals with sickness and my cycle the same way, it sleeps. I don't want to be around people and I want to sleep. I tried to get out of that this weekend and took some passive pain killers and was ready to get going, then I drank some coffee and got utterly sick. *sigh* the best intentions still don't mean much I guess.
As Korben gets better I am afraid he is seeing me as I am finally-during my down swing- and he isn't liking it. That was my fear. What all co-dependents fear. If the person gets better, will I like them or more importantly will they like me. I am afraid that I pushed too far and now have pushed him out of trusting me and pushed him hard enough it hurt him deeply.
He implied that he seemed to be the catalyst of all the bad things going on in my life, and yet in reality he has been the catalyst for change for me and that was all for good. The transition sucks. But I wonder if I am not a catalyst for something bad in his life. Clearly I am doing something terribly wrong if he thinks he is the catalyst of my struggles when he is one of the main things that keeps me going.
Sometimes I truly believe that I am so crazy that no one can deal with me to love me long term. And that I am destined to be alone. For the ones that don't care about me I can't stand and the ones I do, can't stand me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment