Valentines Day, the best ever

Today got off to a rocky start and I thought this would be the one to go into the record books as the worse, and then something happened, Korben and I connected. We had a fight and voices were raised but we finally got stuff out. There is more to be said but I released so much, and he has given me such great gifts, the latest being a build-a-bear that is called Baby Bing, and plays Brahm's lullaby - just like my favorite bear as a child did that I wound up over and over to comfort me on the hard nights as a 4 year old. That bear was a life line to me, and without realizing it Korben gave me a reminder of a time where bears were all that was needed to chase the bad thoughts and monsters away. He also gave me the opportunity to be a child in a bear store. He didn't know I wanted to go to the place ever since it opened, he just thought it would be something I would love, and that is amazing. He listens and gets me. I held that bear tight last night and amazing it made all the bad thoughts and monsters go away.

As I was saying even though he got me that precious gift, he gave me something better, the okay to let go and not always be afraid of not catching him if anything happened because he is sick or upset or anything. He reminded me he is an adult and I don't have to help if it hurts so much. And it has hurt lately. I cried like I haven't in ages, and I let go. And what I found after the tears calmed, pure love. The kind of love that makes me be able to be strong and say no, and say yes. The kind of love that lets me be a girlfriend, not a mother to him, not anything I am not. He hates hearing no, but we both hate it if I say yes and I resent it.

We laid together tonight, in each others arms and it felt amazing. I like it did the first night. I could feel every inch of his skin that was touching me and not in a sexual way, though I look over now and find him sexy as he snores, but in a souls touching kind of way. It felt pure, it felt amazing and reminded me also why I love him, he makes me laugh even when I don't want to or don't think I can. In the middle of a fight when I am snotty because of the amount of time I have been crying and he is slobbering a bit due to his meds, and he made me laugh telling me what a perfect couple we made at that moment. That moment where I didn't know if he wanted to stay alive or kill himself, a moment I didn't know if he wanted to tell me to leave or hug me. At that moment he made me laugh. I found the Korben again, more accurately I finally cleared my eyes of the shoulds and suppose-to's to see the Korben that I couldn't resist from day one. (okay day two, but it depends if it is me or him telling the story)

I am so full with love and joy and am scared that the no's will be tough for us both, but I am excited to be the person I was when we met (loving and happy and enjoying every breeze life sent my way) and see the person I fell in love with and felt passion for.