smooshed

I had to work late and now I find I don't want to go home. I don' t like what faces me at home. I am tired, I am drained, and I feel so little within me is able to recharge. I am not myself and I see it. It is making me tear up now to think about it. I find it hard to really care, what I tried today to do seemed to get smooshed so quickly and so dramatically that I am find it hard to scrape myself up off the cement. I feel like I have been ground in. I have hated my life before, but now I don't look forward to much. When ever I find one thing to find happiness from or about it seems two much bigger things are there to hammer the good away so I can't feel or see it any more. I have such amazing love for my dear Korben as well as for my sweet kitties (got another one) and yet I don't want to go home. I feel I have made a mess of the kitties, since they hate each other.

Everything I touch lately is like that, great yet bad. The kitty is great, but they hate each other so home is a mess. I broke my promise with the person I took him from, I promised to make a good home for him. This isn't a good home.

I want to hit rewind and do something over. I don't know what it would be that would be different but something, something I did that set me very very wrong.