sometimes love is not enough...

Korben and I broke up. I think it is better health wise for both of us. We need to both spend more time loving ourselves and less looking for completion in another. We both have a lot of work to do in our lives, I am looking forward to this journey.

Baby Bing in Boston - arrives

Baby Bing here:

We made it and the hotel is awesome! The bed is gigantic! And it has a beautiful quilt on it too.

Here is me sitting in the middle of it all:



I had to let everyone know I got in okay so called them all on my cell. Then I got the computer out for some blogging, and thought I would kick back and read a bit of a book before I headed to bed:

Baby Bing in Boston

Baby Bing has made the trek across country and he is decided to take over my blog to let everyone know about his adventures.

Baby Bing:
The airport was huge, so many people someone were wearing sandals and shorts, must not be on my flight to Boston! I got thirst and mom bought some water for us here is a picture of me hanging out waiting to be called to get on the plane:












Finally we were called on and I got buckled in.



Mom bought breakfast and I ate a bunch of it, it was great!

Valentines Day, the best ever

Today got off to a rocky start and I thought this would be the one to go into the record books as the worse, and then something happened, Korben and I connected. We had a fight and voices were raised but we finally got stuff out. There is more to be said but I released so much, and he has given me such great gifts, the latest being a build-a-bear that is called Baby Bing, and plays Brahm's lullaby - just like my favorite bear as a child did that I wound up over and over to comfort me on the hard nights as a 4 year old. That bear was a life line to me, and without realizing it Korben gave me a reminder of a time where bears were all that was needed to chase the bad thoughts and monsters away. He also gave me the opportunity to be a child in a bear store. He didn't know I wanted to go to the place ever since it opened, he just thought it would be something I would love, and that is amazing. He listens and gets me. I held that bear tight last night and amazing it made all the bad thoughts and monsters go away.

As I was saying even though he got me that precious gift, he gave me something better, the okay to let go and not always be afraid of not catching him if anything happened because he is sick or upset or anything. He reminded me he is an adult and I don't have to help if it hurts so much. And it has hurt lately. I cried like I haven't in ages, and I let go. And what I found after the tears calmed, pure love. The kind of love that makes me be able to be strong and say no, and say yes. The kind of love that lets me be a girlfriend, not a mother to him, not anything I am not. He hates hearing no, but we both hate it if I say yes and I resent it.

We laid together tonight, in each others arms and it felt amazing. I like it did the first night. I could feel every inch of his skin that was touching me and not in a sexual way, though I look over now and find him sexy as he snores, but in a souls touching kind of way. It felt pure, it felt amazing and reminded me also why I love him, he makes me laugh even when I don't want to or don't think I can. In the middle of a fight when I am snotty because of the amount of time I have been crying and he is slobbering a bit due to his meds, and he made me laugh telling me what a perfect couple we made at that moment. That moment where I didn't know if he wanted to stay alive or kill himself, a moment I didn't know if he wanted to tell me to leave or hug me. At that moment he made me laugh. I found the Korben again, more accurately I finally cleared my eyes of the shoulds and suppose-to's to see the Korben that I couldn't resist from day one. (okay day two, but it depends if it is me or him telling the story)

I am so full with love and joy and am scared that the no's will be tough for us both, but I am excited to be the person I was when we met (loving and happy and enjoying every breeze life sent my way) and see the person I fell in love with and felt passion for.

smooshed

I had to work late and now I find I don't want to go home. I don' t like what faces me at home. I am tired, I am drained, and I feel so little within me is able to recharge. I am not myself and I see it. It is making me tear up now to think about it. I find it hard to really care, what I tried today to do seemed to get smooshed so quickly and so dramatically that I am find it hard to scrape myself up off the cement. I feel like I have been ground in. I have hated my life before, but now I don't look forward to much. When ever I find one thing to find happiness from or about it seems two much bigger things are there to hammer the good away so I can't feel or see it any more. I have such amazing love for my dear Korben as well as for my sweet kitties (got another one) and yet I don't want to go home. I feel I have made a mess of the kitties, since they hate each other.

Everything I touch lately is like that, great yet bad. The kitty is great, but they hate each other so home is a mess. I broke my promise with the person I took him from, I promised to make a good home for him. This isn't a good home.

I want to hit rewind and do something over. I don't know what it would be that would be different but something, something I did that set me very very wrong.

New uses for that USB port

As I search my Amazon.com site, I found a new use for the USB port:
USB Powered Personal Massager

(click image to follow link)

Goodbye to you my dear friend...

I just found out a friend a year older than me died on January 12th. He was an amazing man, so happy and truly beautiful soul. He was a friend, not a best friend, but the friend that really touched your heart and made you smile no matter what. He was a friend of my ex. My ex and I haven't had that much communication lately yet he never mentioned it. I was shocked when I found out last night. I am still in shock. He had only been married a few years. It reminds me I am not healthy and am not taking care of myself. I don't want to be another one. I want to see him again but no this way. The only thing I can do is grieve his passing, celebrate his life, and remember I need to live mine like I have a year left.

Major I love you, and miss you greatly!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=8886166348&ref=mf

Bacon Candy

Okay sometimes it is hard to really fathom the food that is in this world.

Bacon Candy (with recipe)

ceramic vs.paper

Being a mug collector I thought I was doing my part for the environment, even if the mug was used just a handful of times.

I was wrong, I am doing my part, but the mug needs to be used a LOT more than a few times.

Check out this blog that discusses how many reuses equals the energy in making and disposing of a disposable cup:

Amazon Daily

Specific details of one research study gave this:
To break even with a Paper or Foam cup (the foam cup is much more efficient peruse in general) the following would need to be used this number of times:

Uses to break even with average energy per use with Paper Cups used once:
Ceramic 39 times
Plastic 17 times
Glass 15 times

Uses to break even with average energy per use with Foam Cups used once:
Ceramic 1006 times
Plastic 450 times
Glass 393 times

Source: Hocking, Martin B. "Reusable and Disposable Cups: An Energy-Based Evaluation." Environmental Management 18(6) pp. 889-899.

photos and "real" fashion...a great combo

I love photos and love watching fashion stuff...I am not a fashion person but hey I like to look. I found a great blog, it shows pictures of people on the street in their fashion. Now most of them look like models, but not all of them, and there are some outfits that real people might wear, not on the west coast per say, but totally reasonable wear.

Check it out:The Sartorialist (Scott Schuman)

Even though I don't hold grudges....

Even though I don't hold grudges, this is pretty cool and yet twisted gift/item:
The Ex 5-Piece Stainless-Steel Knife Set with Unique Holder

All things made by the company Fred, are pretty cool, check them out on Amazon.com

ManaMana

The song like you have never seen it performed!

laughing...finally

So I was talking to Korben and he was a goof and I laughed which made him laugh. Man it is great to laugh. I just haven't laughed well in awhile. I am tempted to analyze it but for once I don't want to. I just want to enjoy that I am a goof and he is a goof and sometimes our goofiness is fantabulous!

not myself?

I have been told I am not myself lately. What is myself? Why does everyone think they know me so well? I think there is only one person on this earth that knows me pretty well, and lately I haven't been around them. So that leaves me to think, what is it that I am not? Is this something that is just part of my growth and change therefore I can accept it, and just expect others to accept it as well?

What is myself then and what is myself now? Sad thing is that I don't know.

letting go of hurt

I have decided to let go of hurt, to continue to not keep tabs on who did what or what was said. I was in a discussion with Korben today about how he hurt me in the past, and I realized I had kept the hurt but had let go of the words. Now is time for the next step, let go of the hurt. It is sad to be in a place where I don't trust that it will all even out and that words said aren't meant to be harmful and that I don't need to keep track. I have felt the desire to keep try so I can realize if it has gotten too much and too frequent.

That is what one does when they have been hurt a lot and were raised by parents who had been hurt. I am told I let things in the past go on to long, even by Korben about other relationships. And yet, how does one not have it happen unless one tracks how often it goes on. How often to you shrug off mean words? How many times does one feel like it is their fault for everything since words are said to that affect off and on?

I am not an angel, I mess up and I mess up royally, but that doesn't mean I should allow myself to be treated badly. Where is the line?

I want to just let go of the hurt, why keep it? I mean really I can only be hurt if I allow myself to be. Where does that leave the tally? Do I need to worry about it if I don't let it get to me? What happens to the mean words if no one cares about them? Do they disappear, do they sit around and still be said just like a tree in an empty forest? Why is it so hard to take that leap of faith that it will be okay to not care about the mean words or actions from the far past or recent past?

What I have learned

A friend of mine posted this and it is so on the money for me. It is sometimes easy to remember to be forgiving and let things roll when it is a stranger or an acquaintance but, it is often easy to forget when it is a dear loved one, that means the world to you or me. This is a note to share with you but also to remind me to do this for myself and the ones I truly love.

1. I have learned that not everyone sees the world as I do so, it is wise not to waste my time creating conflict with the ones I love. I want to enjoy them…..

2. I have learned that our time on earth is quick. I believe that it is best to make a connection and a difference while you are here. People may forget your name or face but never how you made them feel… so it is important to treat others like gold.

3. Smile… I have learned that a smile can change the world around, Smile even when people are don't seem to care of enjoy your smile. You never know who can contaminate with your smile and your inner beauty.

4. I have learned not to waste my time taking anything that others say or do personally. I am a perception of their image.

5. Every day, I try to look at the world with new eyes. I have learned that the world my not be able to change so quickly but I can change my perspective of how I see people and situations.

6. I have learned not to expect from people what they can not give me. It is up to me to change my relationship and choices in relation to this person.

7. I have learned to be kind to myself. To compliment myself and to accept me as I am.

8. I have learned to ask questions without the fear of feeling small because I don't understand.

9. I have learned to love completely and not withhold for another time.

Urban Words: Choreplay and Voluntold

choreplay

When a woman is turned on by the sight of her husband/boyfriend/partner doing regular household chores, that she would normally be doing.

"Last night, it was all about choreplay. I was all 'OH YEAH, fold that laundry. Oh yes, just like that! In half and, then in half again. OHHH'"

voluntold

The exact opposite of volunteering. Always used in reference to an unpleasant task to which you have been assigned by your boss.

Example 1:

Co-worker 1: I hear you got a transfer.
Co-worker 2: Yeah. I didn't want to, but I was voluntold.

Example 2:

Co-worker 1: You want to go fishing Saturday???
Co-worker 2: I can't, I got voluntold I have to work this weekend.

change and its side affects on me

I have had several people pull me aside and ask me what is going on with me and that I don't seem like myself. I take it from what they say they are implying that I am not chipper, on task, giggling, optimistic 24/7 and am gaining weight.

I admit I am not the same person I was 4-5 months ago, a lot has changed. And that is it, I have had my life flipped flopped and it is taking me awhile to get my barrings. It happens. I don't adjust quickly, and when stress is involved AND a change in my spiritual path then I struggle a bit. I use to use one to alleviate the other and with both of them in the air I found I didn't have a grounding. I pretty much lost it.

But I am getting "it" back and feel good about it. I slip from time to time. And yet That is how it goes. I accept that, and people who have known me for a very long time see it, and let me do my thing. No one seems to understand it, including myself.

The food, and shopping has been a way to cope. A crappy way of coping, but then again there are tons worse.

Just when things seem to be settling they aren't. On a small note it doesn't help that I have been in PMS hell that has lasted a week and half and now that it finally started I feel drained. My body deals with sickness and my cycle the same way, it sleeps. I don't want to be around people and I want to sleep. I tried to get out of that this weekend and took some passive pain killers and was ready to get going, then I drank some coffee and got utterly sick. *sigh* the best intentions still don't mean much I guess.

As Korben gets better I am afraid he is seeing me as I am finally-during my down swing- and he isn't liking it. That was my fear. What all co-dependents fear. If the person gets better, will I like them or more importantly will they like me. I am afraid that I pushed too far and now have pushed him out of trusting me and pushed him hard enough it hurt him deeply.

He implied that he seemed to be the catalyst of all the bad things going on in my life, and yet in reality he has been the catalyst for change for me and that was all for good. The transition sucks. But I wonder if I am not a catalyst for something bad in his life. Clearly I am doing something terribly wrong if he thinks he is the catalyst of my struggles when he is one of the main things that keeps me going.

Sometimes I truly believe that I am so crazy that no one can deal with me to love me long term. And that I am destined to be alone. For the ones that don't care about me I can't stand and the ones I do, can't stand me.

What am I doing?

What am I doing, I just lost the trust of the person dearest to me, over a doll and an addiction. Neither which are anything to me, I would give it all up for him.

This doesn't help an already sour mood that seems to be between us. I seem to be doing everything wrong, both in my life and relating to his. The more that I seemed to do this the more I second guessed some actions and made bad decisions about other things.

It all made sense in my head and yet it was wrong. How can I let him know that I love him so deeply and I have made some ridiculous awful mistakes and all I want to do is make it better. To fix everything and erase all the bad things I have done. Yet I know, there is no erasing.

He and I seem to have each made a fair share of deeply wrong decisions, but that doesn't mean we are bad together. It just means we have been going through intense times and not always dealt with everything the best way.

Where is the refresh/reboot button for life and relationships? Right now I feel like everything is my fault, since I don't know how to deal with pressure or stress in any good way. And therefore I find myself yet again tearing up at work, in pain for what a mess I have made my life, again.

Addictions

Addictions have come and gone in my life, but I always seem to have a vice. When I find myself unable to stop from doing something even when I know I should wait or relax. I swore I would only have one doll from mytwinn.com but in the past 3 days I have bought 3 more. And one of them I will be buying a wig for and changing it so it looks like my dear sweet Korben when he was young. I have a shopping vice, always have, and now I am doing this. They are cute, a little scary since they are so realistic. I will post pictures of them shortly.

I am not sure where I am going right now with my life.

Life is so much better with Korben, but we still have things to work on. Romance has been difficult for us. Always in opposite moods. Work is stressful too, for both of us. But I finally feel like we are on a even platform which doesn't involves ER rooms, or anything. We are able to be real and deal from there.

I am finding myself hiding from life. This weekend I didn't want to go out and Korben had food poison or the stomach flu. I will be happy when we finally are able to both be healthy at the same time and in good spirits. I have let depression seep in again, mainly anxiety that has stayed around too long.

I am rambling with no direction, but haven't blogged in so long I wanted to put some thoughts down.

Hello Kitty sparkling eyes

Check out these images....take a deep look into her eyes, and see more info in this blog

Quote

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, Chapter 1, first line
Russian mystic & novelist (1828 - 1910)

need glasses?

Beer Bottle Trick - Watch the best video clips here

Stressed out and bugging everyone

I am stressed out and affecting/bugging everyone. I can't seem to focus at work. I just spent the last 25 minutes trying to find someone to help me move, and it ends up the one person who is excited about helping is busy on Saturday. I hate to ask Corbin (aka Bing) to help me, but i feel frustrated and like it isn't that much and I am so upset I can't do it myself. I hate relying on others. Even if it is paying for help, I hate relying on others. I feel like I am up against a wall and yet I know it is just in my head. But still it hurts and I am feeling like my head is going to explode.

Moving makes me depressed to the point of literally non-movement. I have sat in the center of a room that needs to be packed and cried. Not able to pull myself out to just keep putting things in boxes. The whole thing amazes me since I know the move is a good thing (as it always is) and I will feel better so soon. It is the one thing that breaks my spirit completely. I actually fear going to my old place to pack since I am afraid that I will get overwhelmed and lose a day to tears and procrastination. I have never been able to explain it but I am truly stopped in my tracks by the prospect of my own move.

I have a meeting tomorrow and I wonder if this is bad enough that I need to just not go and get this under control and ready to move. For once I wish someone would tell me what to do and they handle all the details. But I live in the real world and realize I need to get over this as well.

Get Things Done Over the Phone with Jott

Get Things Done Over the Phone with Jott

great Lifehacker blog (again!)

Geek to Live: Make a ringtone from any MP3

Geek to Live: Make a ringtone from any MP3

Lifehacker blog on how to make your own ringtone. (You can make a silent one if you keep getting calls from the same telemarketers)

New Site

Check out a new site


http://bigthink.com/

bigthink.com is a place with hundreds of hours of direct, unfiltered interviews with today's leading thinkers, movers and shakers as well as responses from every day people.

Urban Word of the Day: church on the move

church on the move

When it's time to go,you yell "Church on the move"-- everyone you're with knows to leave the location.

Snoop Dogg-- when you're at the club and its time to bounce you yell "Church on the move" and everyone knows its time to get up outta there!

Urban Word of the Day: googleganger

googleganger
Similar to that of a doppleganger, it is another individual with the same name as you whose records and/or stories are mixed in with your own when you Google yourself.

"Hey, I just googled my name and found that I have three googlegangers!"

Urban Word of the Day: reverse telecommuting

reverse telecommuting
Bringing personal work to the office: paying bills, playing games and reading online newspapers on company time.

Tiny Images of the English Language?

This looks random and not sure why it was created, but this visual map of 50,000 English-language nouns tells us, is fun to play with.

My Twinn's first photo shoot

The first photo shoot happened for my MyTwinn baby. Her name as she came was Helen. That doesn't suit her. I then thought LeeLoo, since I adore the 5th element and love thinking she is the perfect element. But I am thinking that that might not work either. I will have to think about it.

groggy but giddy

Two big things happened last night...yet that isn't right it was really 3. I signed and got the keys for my apartment! I now have a one bedroom of my own and I never thought I would be so excited to say that. I can't wait to really make it fun and kitschy. Lots of pink and inexpensive ways of decorating.

The second is that my doll came in, or as Bing likes to call her my baby. I never thought I would go so gaga over a doll but man I am. She is pretty and I cannot wait to get shoes and dress her and primarily create clothes for her. I am excited by the thought of creating.

Third, Bing was a sport about the first two. He even let me take pictures of her with him. He gave me time to first style her hair and then posed. He hates his picture taken but he did it anyhow. It is so cool. I am grateful to have a playful crazy guy like him in my life.

amazing couch

Amazing couch. Man Bing got and amazing couch and it was free! 7 foot, cream, leather and comfy! I worked from home, and while there is no desk around, it was heaven to work on. It is wonderful and so grateful he lets me lounge on it.

late nights

We all cope in different ways. We all find ways to deal with issues or troubles. You get to a point and you do anything you can to deal. I am struggling with how someone is dealing with one aspect of their life. It hurts me, I feel them check out and the person I care for disappears from the room. I don't know what to do. How to handle it. My words come off sharper than they are intended and the reaction is strong and I feel like crap. It is 50/50 chance that they remember it ever happened.

Words have been sharp lately. Both toward me and from me. It can easily take the smile from my good day. I shouldn't care so much about others opinions, but I still do. My confidence is faltering. I want to hold onto the love to hold onto the joy and just be. Why am I finding that just out of my reach.

I also want to follow my heart and feelings and right now I am not feeling passion, I feel love and affection and appreciation for my boyfriend, and work and my kitty and my friends, and my future. I need to recharge. I look forward to Subud, and my place and Bing getting help from the doctors.

On the up side I get my doll tomorrow! I have a couple name ideas, we shall see what works. :)

Spiritual next steps...

I have been learning more about Subud. It isn't a religion it is a spiritual process. I make that clear because some people get scared or judgmental when I talk about my spiritual life. People have questioned my belief in a higher power or powers, and I have a strong faith. Just not traditional Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist. Something I haven't blogged much about, but it is time. It is a large part of my growing and it is a large part of my next steps. I am being "opened" in Subud. I don't know how to explain it, but it is a major step. It is me being opened to the world around me more. Pending my cycle I will be opened on Sunday. This is a big step in my life, it is the third prayer I had when I did a sweat lodge many months ago. First being a career and the confidence to follow the path that opens for my career, two is a equal that I can have a romantic relationship with. Not someone who is the same, but an equal that would love me deeply and I could do the same, and that treated me well and I could open my heart again, and third to proceed to the next level in my spiritual growth, to learn how to heal and to be more connected to the world around from every blade of grass, bird in the sky, to each human in this world and others.

I thank the Powers that be, all the gods & goddesses and the Universe for all three prayers being answered.

next steps...forward finally!

So much has happened in the past week. Our bathroom has been ripped open and we found out there was mildew and mold and dripping water in the wall behind the toilet. More seizures for Bing and migraines for me this week. I have gotten a new apartment of my own. We initially thought we would find a bigger place and move in together more permanently, but realized it isn't right at this time. Too soon. We love being together but realize that two personalities as big as ours and the number of guides and such we have a crowded one bedroom and it is just too crowded. We both are growing and learning to be strong on our own and need our own places, him with his ultra bachelor pad and me with my ultra pink pad.

Through this decision I realized that it is true sometimes you have to take a step in a different direction to move forward. What society says is forward or more specifically what is backwards isn't. I love Bing so much and it is with that love I realized I need my own space so I can be his girlfriend again and not his caretaker/mother and also try to be a girlfriend. I need to take care and love myself before I can really give back and be all for him I want to and all he deserves. Lately I have been depleted and drained. Too many major balls in the air and it has resulted in me not being my true self. To be short tempered, snippy and generally a b*tch. I didn't like me so I didn't expect others to either.

Where are Bing's thoughts

He is on myspace, and his blogs are at:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=238967782

feeling bad for feeling good

I suddenly feel bad for feeling good about having my own place. I know he has my concerns in place as well as his own. We love each other and it is obvious we would worry about this being a step back in our relationship instead of forward. I have just learned that I cannot live with someone in a one bedroom place. And I also cannot live in a place that might be contributing to migraines.

It is the difference between the night and day. One day it is his idea, the night he is acting depressed. I totally understand, moodps change. I was just hoping for support in this decision since he said he would support me and not be upset if I moved out.

I want a place that is part mine. He said that I can do whatever I need to to be comfortable here but yet it is his place and he wants to get his stuff since he hasn't ever own his own stuff. That is huge for him and I am excited for him. But I want a desk and my sheets, and my couch.

I know where he is coming from, since I love waking up to him as well and falling asleep to him as well. Last night i couldn't sleep, again too much caffeine and things on my mind and this morning I felt like he was upset.

I am a codependent and giving too much of myself, but not in the right way. Therefore I am stressed a lot more and it is all going to mush. I am grumpy, my work suffers, my concentration suffers. By having some space of my own I am hoping that I can get my balance back (or at least close to it since I never really had balance). Right now with his health and all that I am becoming more like a mother than girlfriend, and that is making it hard to just be a girlfriend. The closeness of being a girlfriend/boyfriend isn't like it use to be. I am banking on the fact that I won't be here every night that I can get that playfulness back in my personality, the joking, the bubbly, etc. And then I can share that with Bing.

After all the health issues and work stress we have gone that I am taking care of me to take care of us.

transititions

I signed up for an apartment, it is in the same complex as Bing. We discussed this and we do need our space, I need my space. I love him and this doens't mean I love him less by any means, I want us to be whole, having my own time to recoop and recharge. I know he knows that, but this evening it was tough and he was distant and I was instantly grumpy when he told me I needed to stop eating ice cream. I haven't had ice cream in ages, but had some two days this weekn and one half scoop on his brother's birthday. I personally know he has my best interest in mind but the last thing I want to hear. Sure he said "we need to cut out" but he doesn't eat ice cream. It is hard to hear it, but also hate not being able indulge from time to time.

He has said over and over he wouldn't be offended if I moved out, and we discussed it, and yet today it was like we hadn't. I feel like my head is spinning, what have we talked about that he remembers and what has he not? He is a co-dependent on his own admission and told me he won't take the move well, especially since the apartment isn'[t in the same little courtyard, instead it is on the other side of the complex which is a 3 minute walk.

I need my girly place where my stuff is mine and I can feel like the place is mine, and to have a place to meditate, and to get use to doing my own stuff. Lately I have been exhausted and it has gotten so much better, but the little things are bugging me more and I just can't focus at work at all. I feel like even when I am alonein one room, he is there and will interrupt at any moment.

How can I explain that i am doing this for me which will help us grow closer. I am so happy to be with him and his family and it is incredible that he has been so sweet lately. So playful, until tonight. I am fulfilled in so many ways by him, but I want to not lose myself.

I have over explained so much, but the reason is that everyone seems to think moving apart is us becoming distant or we are breakup up,, well okay not everyone..... many of my friends and family thing it is a great move. 9 months in my own place then go from there. I look forward to talking tomorrow. Our conversations are amazing and always clarify everything.

I still feel etern ally blessed,
Aleece

Silence.....

Quote of the day

"But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."

~Carl Sagan

More Changes

More changes are happening. They have ripped open Bing's bathroom, it is full of mold. I have been getting migraines, which I had only gotten a few times in college over ten years ago, and Bing has had more seizures. The seizures are getting better, but we decided through all this, that it is time for me to get my own place. I was going to do it at the beginning of February but with the migraines it is time to get out now. I had to ask my parents for help. Tough to do, but but they agree that on all fronts it is the right thing to do. It will be nice to have my own girly stuff up and to soon not having tons of stuff in two different locals, neither being my true home.

I am sure I will find a place to call home. I obviously will be looking for mold specifically. Bing and I have been doing well. Even with all the stress we both have had, we continue to be open and talk about it and feel more love each day.

I think my kitty, even though she is aloof to him sometimes, will miss him. But I will deal with that once I find a place. Wish/send me luck!

kindness in the strangest places

I have received such kindness from everyone. Bing is getting better and he is so kind and sweet. I have been getting migraines and he has taken care of me so gently. At work my teammates have been very helpful and pulling together whenever I needed help while doing my on call time. And a coworker in India has been a great ear to talk to when I need to vent or talk about random stuff.

I feel so blessed.

Suicide KItties?

The Suicide Girl of Kitties:

the visual side

There are so many things I could blog right now, this has been a wild day. But instead to deal with the caffeine lasting a bit longer than I wanted since it is 4 hours AFTER I finished work, I decided to go back and add images to my blog entries. Just random pictures I found. I use to do this all the time, but got busy and was lucky if I blogged at all. Enjoy.

It's a girl .....doll

From mytwinn.com: Good news! Your My Twinn order has shipped and is on its way. Estimated Delivery Date: January 10 - January 17



(the bad news is now I am starting to get drawn in. For all practicality sake I want one doll but the others are so pretty, I am sad that I didn't get the other doll. She was pretty. I would have gotten both if I could have but alas, for now I will get Helen which I am forever grateful for)

when all is said and done, I love him

I have been venting and frustrated and blogging more in one day than in 3 months, but it all boils to this, I love him. I love Bing. And I am dedicated to this relationship and him and know this is all temporary and the heart of it, the heart of us, is an understanding and love and deep connection.

With that I am going to bed.

Random Quote for the day - Jan 9th

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

morning after: ramblings from a tired mind and body

Wow. I was so frustrated last night. And I realized I have no way currently to release that. I also realized how important Bing's releases are and when he doesn't have them it is not good on a multitude of levels. I knew that but I didn't realize how profound affect it would have or my own lack of release would have.

I admit that that is one reason I am so excited about the doll clothes and learning to sew and such. Creating makes me feel good. I am in the intelligence business and all is electronic, even when something goes right it just means maybe one less case in my virtual lobby. Sure people are happy but I don't have anything physical to show for it.

I need to figure a way that we both can afford a means for release as soon as possible. For me I think the most immediate fix would be a membership to the 24 hour fitness down the street. That way even at 1 am, such as last night, I could have just done a treadmill or something. For Bing, it is finding what parts he needs for his machine, and figure a way to get them so he can game and blog and all the things he does on his machine.

He had a seizure again, I wish I knew what it was related to and what could be done, I think having a release would be a great step. He had it in the past and still had seizures but the really had been on the decline.

This is just the ramblings of a tired woman who had 3 straight hours of sleep and 2 more intermittent, and who is trying not let it all get to me.

New Urban/TechGeek phrases - Jan 9

"Blacking Out" :
to turn off any device that people can reach you with (cell phone, two-way, computer, home phone, morse code, etc.) in order to avoid a certain someone.

"Going Dark":
Slang term in the intelligence world which means you go silent. You don't speak or communicate with anyone for a given period on time. It is a way of protecting yourself from someone who would do you harm.

And so it begins...

Totally unrelated to my last rant. I just talked to Bing's mom on Gtalk and it was awesome. We talked about my newest family member, a My Twinn doll Helento be exact (but her name will change!) They are amazing, the faces, how they are made and that they can stand alone. It is the new passion of Bing's mom, sister, and niece. You can get them to look like you by sending in a picture, but I got one of the pre-made ones, Helen. I tried to find one that looked as close to me as a little girl as possible, I will find a pic as a kid and let you decide. It is a little stretch since the blond is a bit darker, but still mostly there. I am excited because I am going to knit (I almost said TRY to knit) some clothes for her and for her cousins in Bing's family. The faces are really remarkable in person and I love dolls. Most of all though I love the idea of learning to sew as well. Bing's mother is an amazing sewer and has an incredible assortment of high end sewing machines and knows how to make things that shock and awe.

So I get to do this with them. I love that. I miss my own family and I don't want them to think I am just using them as a surrogate family. It is nice how close they are and they all live around here and they are so warm and inviting. It is really nice to have women that I can eventually get together with and share something creative with. I miss being creative and I miss having that social sharing with women. My friends have moved a distance away or I have, or we have drifted. I find this is unusual for me not to have a main friend to go to and share, and not that I am figuring they will be, but you never know, and also it is just fun to enjoy what is for what it is.

Who doesn't love dressing up dolls and playing with their hair and clothes?? ;)

need to work on it

I have rediscovered that I need to learn how to not get sucked into people's personal dramas (reference from The Celestine Prophecy)

I over explain myself a lot. I defend ideas instead of stating them and letting them "defend" themselves. I try to find a solution during debates even if it is about an opinion and there is no "solution"

I want to scream. I have not been one to ever scream to let loose of pent up frustration.

Where is the confidence when I need it? When silence is the best response?

Bing's song: Breaking the Heart Barrier

Breaking the Heart Barrier

That beautiful thing, that is so hard to see
She found me one day I was broke from the storm
A light of my life the clouds were broke free
She was born just for me

There's nothing more than stars in my eyes
Blinding me with light, a poison to the soul
That drives out the Dark, its out of control

She glances my way I see her, I see through
Her skin, she broke down the walls, that were
Trembling with fear, for a bleeding heart she
Mended the trash inside my head, she was
Now my new love

There's nothing more than stars in my eyes
Blinding me with light, a poison to the soul
That drives out the Dark, its out of control

Bing's song: This is for you especially for you

This is the first song that Bing has ever written for me. Written on January 4th.

This is for you especially for you

I can't feel no pain, I'm suffering again,
with cold knife blades I seem shallow again.
I don't want to see anything in advance
I am lost to time, nothing seems alright

With you on my side, everything is alright
I see a sharpness, you see coldness
But nothing in the world will stop the
love
I grown older and you have grown smarter
But nothing will be the same anymore
To all of those left alone, I pick up a guitar again
To see if I am still there
I love with all confidence, nothing less to the end
Soon you will see, there is nothing left but me
Nothing that can be fixed, anymore. I'm fubar not
broken, but you see something more.

For this I love you because no thing else told you
What I would become in this world
I have written greatness, I have seen the goddess
But I have never seen an angel like you before

You are my home, you are dance, you have everything
To do with my renegadeness, For this I love you so much more
I love you, feel you, when you are gone I feel so cold
like a knife has twisted my gut.

Please don't disappear
Like so many before
Like so times before
Like a shot to heart

You are my earthly source
I am a path to be undone
Depressed and Ice melted
You have undone
What others could not.

Recreating self and creating STUFF

Before Bing it was often challenging for me to get that point of love of life. I loved life but it became so much more vibrant from the first time he held my hand and gazed into my eyes with his amazing eyes.

After I wrote my last blog I went to Bing who is at his computer creating a new member of our family: Miranda a suped up machine for his new games. She is being stubborn but he knows how to push a girls buttons. (okay an old joke but I still find it funny) And I leaned down and wrapped my arms around him and the world melted away.

I look forward to spending time with his sister and mom learning to sew (I am sure by me experimenting). Family is so important and I am not dating him for them, but wow is it amazing how open and wonderful to me. I was struck as he took parts apart from one of his old machines which his brother and dad worked on to create his new machine and realized that he has a very creative family, they create and recreate stuff. I feel blessed to be where I am now and grateful the powers that be brought this man to me. With every imperfect perfection that so many people overlook.

~blessed be

the light that erupts from the dark

After a vent I feel love. The love that calls for a cup of warm cocoa with mini marshmallows, whip cream, and a sprinkle of cocoa in a thick ceramic mug. The love that makes my body crave a soft cozy large couch that has big pillows and is perfect for me to cuddle up to Bing and have his arms around me and I can snuggle under a warm fuzzy blanket.

Okay, there is no cocoa in the house and we don't have any couch let alone one like that. But that is how I see love when I let go of my dark negative feelings. Often with a twist of desire to have a full beautiful skirt that is luscious and when I spin it spins around as high as my waist and has so much fabric it creates ripples.

the simple life? *venting*

Day two on my night shift and I need to vent. (that is a warning that I am writing so I can let go and move on)

I wake up early as I need to, to take my thyroid at the same time every day, and since I am up I take Bing to work. And then I am up. My head is riddled with to do items. There is so much Bing and I haven't done since I have been sick, or he has been sick, or we have been sick, or he has been seriously resting or seeing doctors for seizures, or trying to recover from all those things. So, I proceed with the hopes that I can take a nap between 8:30 am and 3 pm when I start my night shift.

Alas, today I did not get one. To make matters worse I proceeded to vacuum through a power cord for Bing's ionizer, cut clean through it. Then hit the standby button on the cable modem thus stopping everything and us having a bit of a mini freak out. Bing kept his cool through it all and yet then 30 minutes later he chastised me for taking a break and being basically lazy. It hurt. I am stressed about work, even though this night is slow so far, at any moment I can get a severe event paged to me and I have to be the point person and make things work even when no one wants to answer calls since it is the middle of the night. So much I have yet to learn and including many fundamentals.

I was hurt. I am exhausted and on edge and am all thumbs. The final straw, other than his comments being spoken when I hadn't provoked them, was that I was told I needed to follow up with his family since he blogged about something. I was planning to contact them anyhow, and even contacted some of them already, but it was the fact that his actions made me have a time line. The pressure feels heavy. I am actually excited about his family, they are so nice to me and I look forward to spending more time with them.

I have never been a care-taker before. Sometimes the seizures are hard and then other times like tonight, the lack of seizures and the different personality than I have been around are challenging. My life has been caring and just trying to keep the ends of the candle burning, and now that that balancing act is getting less necessary, I wonder what lays ahead. In my heart I know our love for each other will bring good and joy...the stuffed up caffeinated brain is waivering a little. Food and sleep will help the latter I am sure.

cold

My fingers are cold, my toes are cold and even though I am not sleepy, I long to sleep with his arm around my waist cuddled in bed so, now I go to bed.

bubbling emotions

Before I got up from bed since I couldn't sleep, thank you late cafe au lait that called to me this afternoon, I had a welling up of emotion. I didn't know if I wanted to paint, or try to write poetry, or wake him and make love. The bubbling up of emotion, such love for this man even as we are challenged by health and life and negative that is all around. I cupped his hand in mine and brought it to my lips and then placed other hand under his pillow under his head. I shared my energy, my pure pink love for him as he slept there. The longer I was there the more the emotions overcame me. I wanted to write so eloquently how his goofiness makes me laugh even when I don't want to, that his eyes give me the look of love that makes me feel like a princess or angel that floated off the ground. How his soft touch and soft words are never demanding or cruel. They are tender and kind in the all the ways that made the word gentle-man come to be.

I love stroking his hair, his lips on mine, the playfulness he has with all edges of earth

The future for us will have great challenges, but being with him also has such great rewards. I have learned so much from being with him and know I will learn more. But it is beyond learning, I am inspired. I want to paint, I want to write, I want to create. I want to express what is bottling up inside me, both the pain and the love. I want what I create out of love be it artwork or blankets or whatever to surround us in our home and continue to supply us safety and strength. I pray to the powers that be that they protect us and help me protect myself, my love, my home, my family, and his family who are now so dear to me.

blessed be

too much coffee and too much memory

I drank coffee to late today, and now I am up. I am also worried about being on-call for work tomorrow evening (I guess technically tonight?).

But what do I do at 11 pm when I am exhausted and the last bit of conversation I had with my someone, the one I love, was about how upset he was he is because he is unable to remember so much due to the seizures but yet he remembers work extraordinarily well. He is frustrated that he is putting me through the same conversations over and over and can't remember it all, and the parts he remembers is the one time in the past week that I broke down and cried. I felt bad that I had brought him out to get food, and he just remembers the tears and blames himself.

I understand how hard it must have been for my grandmother when my grandfather had a stroke and had permanent short term memory loss. Bing's comes back when the seizures calm down.

The problem is that I remember all that he doesn't and that is hard on us both. Part of why I am here writing while he sleeps.

A Man Cold

The deadliest cold of the World....a Man Cold....

Shifts with love and pain

I know that there is so much to say. The past couple weeks have been a roller coaster for certain. I plan to write more later.

This is hard to write because so much is going on and I sit here at work and my head is stuffed and I feel a million miles away. I am debating about going home again.

I am worried about my job but feel I am not doing it and just wasting time sitting at the desk since I am "suppose" to be here. But this isn't how it should be, this isn't me at work. I am distracted and ill, and those are two things that are a nightmare for productivity.

He's "Old Gregg"

Okay sometimes the British just make me laugh until I cry. This is one of them it is so out of left field that it is funny in the sick twisted way that some British humor is. Remember I said sick and twisted.

Old Gregg