bad yet funny?

Sometimes you find stuff that makes you laugh then makes you very uncomfortable that you laughed at it.

This is one of those:

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Pork/

Better Together?

Sometimes Amazon shows the weirdest things as "better together"

Here is one for your fancy:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000NFNPW2

alone yet surrounded

What can one do when they feel alone yet are surrounded by people? I feel like I am the temporary person, the one that people have round for now, they all want someone else but I will do for now. It doesn't matter if it is friends, work, whatever. I feel I am well liked, I am a likeable person, but that isn't someone who anyone can find the words for why they like me.

I contacted any of my past they wouldn't care, meaning I don't think they would be happy or sad. Being a filler is nice sometimes but then you realize that you are as permanent as a razer, always a replacement available that is looked forward to, so much so that I am only felt if I am lost prior to the replacement showing up.

I would run away but is there a point?

mirror poem

Nothing could come to tell you
how much I love you and everything
you do for me. There is nothing
compared to waking up each morning
and going to bed each evening with
an Angel, given to me, by the
Universe I love you, Cinderella - XXOO
~M

morning poem: writings on the mirror

My love for my beauty
is beyond the heart interweaves
my soul it wrapped and
twisted my entire being
I heart you
my love

urban word of the day: volutold

voluntold:

The exact opposite of volunteering. Always used in reference to an unpleasant task to which you have been assigned by your boss.

Example 1:

Co-worker 1: I hear you got a transfer.
Co-worker 2: Yeah. I didn't want to, but I was voluntold.

Example 2:

Co-worker 1: You want to go fishing Saturday???
Co-worker 2: I can't, I got voluntold I have to work this weekend.

new urban word for the day: cheet

Cheet:

The orange dust that coats your fingers and lips after eating Cheetos. This is why you shouldn't eat Cheetos in public unless you have a wet-nap handy.

"I know you've been eating my Cheetos again - You've got Cheet all over your clothes!"

afternoon poem: Lotus

Like watching a lotus open in the morning
I awake next you by myside
You folded in my arms as we sleep
through the alarm clock

I jump on you and grab your sides
Holding you to me close
I bundle myself in you bossom
so close to your heart

You have opened up completely
To me there is nothing more
Fufilling to you being there
for me

I am in love with a princess
Who only will be my princess
Who will never leave and
never will I, my sweet lotus

in lieu of poetry

I have never been confident in my poetry writing, but I want to make not of all the wonderful things that I appreciate and that Bing does for me. I heard of a woman doing this her entire relationship all 50 years of it.

• Offered a smoke off his cigarette when I didn't want a full one, yet I didn't say anything
• Snuggled this morning even though he was dog tired
• Woke me up in the middle of the night with kisses and playfulness and great satisfaction
• Didn't complain or make a bad comment when I was running 5-10 minutes late to work
• Made dinner for me even though he wasn't hungry
• Found headache medicine when my work was too crazy and my head pounded
• Emptied the dishwasher
• Cuddled with my kitty when he rested for a nap
• Gave me the most loving look across a crowded elevator when my day was stressful
• Held my robe and helped wrap me up in it when we went for a night smoke
• Held me close when he knew I needed to feel his arms, his strength, his security without a word between us
• Loves to hear me laugh and tells me how beautiful he thinks the sound is
• He lets me know he would never let harm be done to me and protects me fiercely with just a look across the room that warms my entire body
  

morning poem: Nails across my back (Dec 12)

When I am lonely, feeling down you
Rest with me and smile so contently
You know me well enough to see
that this is only momentarily

I work with you instead of against you
I love the feeling of waking up cuddling you
The feeling of waking and instantly smiling
although the bells are blaring in the back

Your tenderness you general concern
You seem more comfortable than I
Could have ever have seen you
i want you to stay that way

In my arms, nails across my back
Your smile brightens my day
You keep me from going mad
even in the mad world.

morning poem: Disturbed Sleep (from Dec 11)

My moment of sleep interrupted by sweet nothings
Numbing my mind while kissing the tiny
Hairs on the back of my neck,
i do nothing but mumble back

While interrupted I sleep I dream of things
I do not usually get to see, sweet love of
Her grows like a normal stage of sapling
growing towards the Sun

I love her breath against my skin,
The way she whispers so softly
Like a warm breeze on a cool day
shiver with love for only her

She tears into my skin until
I feel myself bleed, but nothing
So raw as her mouth against
my skin

Showing my age

I never thought I would show my age by being playful and turned on. This whole older lady, almost a cougar. I am tiring my poor Bing. I realized I was internalizing my stress and worry about the future and let it interfere with my life and my love of the world around me. I saw auras today on the bus, actually of the bus. When I was on the bus, I saw the handles with large blue glowing around it. I am reconnecting with the world around and feeling the endless energy and light that is around is intoxicating but in a way that I want to share. Sounds weird but it made sense to me :)

I am removing old stuff from my life, and it feels amazing. I made a wishlist on Amazon.com and found fiestaware and am so excited to start over. I am going fresh, and new it is awesome. Like a fountain of spring water. I haven't been so excited in so long and I am sheading a new skin. And also in the process finding hopes and reams that I never knew I would like and rarely, if ever thought about before.

renewed

I feel renewed. I am flirtations, horny, inspired and excited about life. I look forward to laughing more and letting go of the depression I have held to closely onto like a baby security blanket. Depression that stemmed primarily a lack of confidence, causing anxiety, plus a bit of hormonal imbalanced.

I am realizing that I have the love and the energy and light with in me. I have the power to take back my life from the dark I gave it up to the insecurity demons the fear mongrels. I can protect myself with or without Bing. And that makes me love him more, in fact it is why I finally am able to give him all my heart. It is finally feeling whole and even overflowing so I can share my heart. I don't have to reserve part of it to save myself. It grows by just me giving my love, for I receive so much more in return.

This lightness I feel has got me feeling like pouncing on Bing. Making out is so much fun. Sex is good too, but at the same time so is just kissing and touching and all those good warm cuddling feelings.

Let's hope my feminine wiles will work.

honeymoon...over?

Is the honeymoon over? I don't think so, well okay yesterday I did, but he made me feel like a princess, and as long as that happens I don't feel the honeymoon is over. As long as I wake up and smile when he offers to snooze the alarm and I love laying out clothes for him or cleaning the sink so we both have a clean space, as long as we make each other laugh I don't believe it is over.

A bad day and/or week (that was compounded by work and money and illness) doesn't not constitute an departure from the twitterpation. Though if by the honeymoon being over you are saying that we are seeing each other deeper and really getting down to who we are and how we connect which isn't always rainbows, then I am happy.

Either way I am still looking forward to the smoke before we get in my car each night, and the way he lights a cigarette for me so I don't have to light it, and he holds my hand lightly as I drive even when he is half asleep, and how all I want to do is figure out how to make him feel as good as he makes me feel.

Silence turned brass

I was trying to think my stuff through before I spoke but that isn't working and I am not hearing those around me since all that I am keeping in is filling my head full of chatter. There are only two outcomes of that situation for me, one I talk to the one I need to talk to or talk to someone else that I can talk to uncensored & unjudged OR have a breakdown. The latter happened last night, tears came pouring out of me at the most precious of moments. I found myself wanting to be in his arms and as close as possible, I wanted to curl up to his chest and have no space between us. I wanted the strength and security I feel in his arms to push it all out without having to deal with it. Instead was something beautiful but a tad out of place. I felt so safe and I broke down in tears.

I feel so much better after our talk, I don't know if he feels the same.

morning poem: Dreams of stars in the universe

Floating through the ether of space
I find myself floating through galaxies
Galaxies that are not of my own
a galaxy of beautiful hues

The pink that surrounds me while I
Float through the gases fills me
With the most wonderful of warm
tones of your touch

I embrace each gasp of breath
From these gases fill me with love
Love from each element of the light
that surrounds you

I am caught up in so much ecstasy
I forget about the bad times and on
Embrace the ones I have with you
my sweet universe of love.

love sick

The last poem was written to me when I know he was feeling sick and in pain, yet here he is giving me such words. How does one respond to such love? It makes my heart open more, I am afraid more than either of us can handle. Yet I love him dearly and always am looking forward to the next moment I get to be in his arms or gaze into his eyes or feel his warm hand holding mine, or to hear his voice giving me a hard time so I can do nothing but laugh and give him a hard time back. I long to be near him again.

morning poem: Cat's Cradle of lovely strings

My thirst, my love is only for you
I awake each day and my first thought
Is how may I be able to make her
feel the most special

Your tender kiss when you know I
Feel bad, your subtle thoughts
That you give me, when you think
I am not paying attention

I hold you dearly, clinging to each of your
Words. All I can do is miss you when you
Are not here not home in my arms,
caressing your skin.

Your more than I could have ever imagined
Your more than I feel I could possibly
Deserved. For this I love you with every
fiber of my being.

dizzy

I feel dizzy and it isn't just the sickness. So much is moving in me, around me. I am disconnected just enough to feel the motion, yet connected enough to get the dizziness. What does one say to another who you love, that they have not given their entire heart to you, when you know you too have not given yours. There is the thought in the back of your mind "what am I getting into?"

It is interesting to see the battle within him of control yet honoring all that is woman and thus trying to succumb to the feminine powers around him. For such a strong will and determined soul it is definitely a pendulum. It is interesting to see the battle in me to embrace and hold the strength I have found at moments, and yet finding myself wanting to succumb to his knowledge his world, his mystery. The mystery scares and intrigues me. I am scared that I cannot protect myself and the good that surrounds him is not strong enough. I am tempted, tempted by the lush world he momentarily exposes in his stories. Why is it that people say they are past something yet they tell stories with smiles and looks of longing? If they are past it wouldn't they no longer want to revisit those tales? I know I don't want to discuss my drunken stupor stories.

Am I strong enough to be myself, to be strong, to not indulge in the dark, yet revel in the joyous fun of the light and middle ground? Is there ever truly a middle ground I can survive on?

smallest of things

The smallest things, such as a cold virus, which no one sees floating around can be the ones that brings us all to our knees, and can challenge relationships and bring out the inner sides of everyone that we try so hard to hide. It also can bring insight if one allows it. I realize that I just needed some quiet time to take care of myself, I didn't take it. Instead I did my normal thing and put my feelings aside to take care of someone who was worse and for whom I love. He didn't ask for it, in fact many times he told me not to with his words, but his actions and look in his eyes was asking for me to be there for him.

The sickness revealed to me that I am scared of the codependency that I am revitalizing within my behavior with Bing. We have such great talks, though and through our deep talks, I realized recently that my depression and codependence and "bad" habits and actions are all moving away from the light and is letting the dark influence my thoughts. I am a being of light, and never gave thought to the idea that I might have dark beings near me. I know they are far outnumbered by the light beings and most my actions.

I am still sick so these ramblings will have to continue later.

Reasons I love you

The kisses first in the morning
The hugs I get for no reason
Your smile when you see me
Your touch when I least expect it
Your laugh when I tell a bad joke
Watching something I know
you don't want to see
The loving stares you give me
When you let me sleep when you
know I shouldn't
Your constant compliments
Even though I don't want them
They way we battle for the blankets
You put up with my weirdness
You pretend to care about my games
I love you for all of this

morning poem: Waking in your arms

I awoke in your arms last night
After only supposed to be napping
I gave you a kiss, you smiled and
fell back to sleep

I enjoy your smell, your sounds
Even you kitty has rubbed up and
Slept on my side, I feel more at
home and more of a family

With each waking and sleeping
Moment, our relationship grows
Blossoms into a field of flowers
instead of just lobelia

I love your arms, I love your smell
I love your noises, I love you kitty
I love to wake up in the middle of
a nap in your arms.

cliche' after home cliche

I am surprised by myself. I thought that this wouldn't happen to me, I wouldn't feel this way. I had hoped and I had prayed, most recently at the sweat lodge. And yet here it is, presented to me, not perfect but then again in it's own way it is perfect in its imperfectness.

I got use to sleeping with him. I got use to the sounds and the habits. To say use to is not the full affect. I love it. I went to my Snoho home and it felt empty, my heart wasn't there, my soul wasn't there, my guides weren't just waiting for me. I didn't feel like calling to them. I am exhausted and hated to admit that I missed my family. My sweet Bing and darling lioness with all her meows. I know she will mellow, he is good for her. The bed is too small for the three of us though.

His eyes twinkle at me across the elevator at works sometimes. A woman noticed today, no one we work with. I felt like, I had a fleeting feeling, yet then that disappeared and I smiled as his gaze never faltered.

I am breathless when I read his poetry, knowing this man loves me and knows the little things that bring a twinkle to my eyes. He is also so honest about things that some people shy about. He asked me if it bothered me that we didn't have sex the past couple days, and that is something I have never had someone even think to ask me. My thoughts rarely counted. Of course at that moment I was okay since the stress of transfering my life with my lioness, and my heart and her need to talk to us even though we don't get what she is saying. But regardless it is the ability to step outside of one's own thoughts and to truly think of another and to reach out and risk being hurt. That is what makes me long for the days to end and for me to be at my new home. It is a comfort that feels real, like all else I have felt was childs play. A lot to be on my mind and working on call is rougher than I expected. I feel inadequate at work. Like I can't hold my own. I find myself looking blankly at some of my cases and my head is as blank as my look. I know I know how to do it for the life of me I can't figure it out.

I am rambling and falling asleep on the train. I wonder how many times someone has tried to probe my thoughts and energy on here. Has anyone at all? were they successful?

morning poetry: Blocked Sleepless Nights

I sleep without not quite failing asleep
But I am awaking to every noise
Expecting you to come into
the bedroom.

I wake up late enough to be sleep
Disturbed, a whining cat that misses
You too, we settle down
and cry ourselves to sleep

There is nothing worse than not being
By your side, even if I know that I am
The one disturbing your sleep,
i love you for being there

But I curse myself when I make you
Leave, when I know its good for you
And me but I know that their will be
repercussions for my lack of sleep

I reach out to you in my dreams
Just to be awaken by something cold
Something I don't feel when you are
around, my senses dulled

When I awake I am chilled, I am not
With the normal people, I am back where
I usually am, this night is the first night
that I see them without a mask

tears and progress

The poem from this morning almost brought me to tears, in a good way, in a wonderful way. The love I feel for and from Bing is amazing. I feel safe, I feel loved, I feel like part of a family. It is all so much and yet so right. I keep saying this yet I am constantly amazed and I am enjoying each moment. I have so many more thoughts going through my mind but they all elude me. I just want to curl up with my kitty and Bing, and relax and enjoy the moments. I am finding this place more and more home. It feels real.

morning poem: Silent night of dreams

My dreams of you caressing me as I sleep
I believe I feel you caring and loving right
Above me, I feel warm and loved with
all that you give me.

The moments with you in my arms are
Like years instead of minutes,
When most of my life has been spent
living in fast forward things actual slow

I am safe in your arms, I am safe now
I cuddle in your arms you touch me
In the perfect way, the way that feels of
water tiding on the beach.

You take away the black of nightmares
The time spent in fear of the dark and
Silence, I enjoy the silent in my head
at night, I love you for that.

the cries that can be seen in the bags of my eyes

The crying. She wouldn't stop last night. She meowed louder then quieter, take a small breather then do it all over again. She needed a bed, a safe place, she wanted to go outside and do her nightly hunting. She got the bed in the morning once I figure out that was one of the things she needed. I talked to her, pleaded with her, sent her visuals, but no stopping with the meows.

I was sure he would be upset, he would think this was a big mistake, that we shouldn't live together that I should leave. I thought it might be too much reality to deal with, when he doesn't have to. Yet, instead he looked in on her, gave me a kiss and told me how glad he was to have us in our home. I cannot convey the joy and peace that brought me. It was as beautiful to me as a grand sunrise on a lightly cloudy morning, where the pinks and purples and oranges all flood your senses and it is so beautiful you wouldn't believe it was real if you weren't seeing it right then with your eyes.

morning poem: Sunrise made of Glass

I awoke this morning, to a beautiful sound
A sound that I haven't heard in a long time
The mean growls of an upset kitty
a kitty that is now sleeping in my domain.

This kitty of yours so beautiful so bold
So much like you soft to the touch
Enjoys being rough with and yet
feminine and gentle.

I enjoy sleeping with this kitty as much
as I do you, makes my home complete
solid. Like I no longer live in a home made
of glass.

Each sunrise we see, each sunset we see
is just another moment in a time that
We can see, experience in a time
that is so chaotic so much like glass.

my life wrapped up in a bit of fur and under a hat

I realized this weekend that my life, what is really important in my life, is wrapped up in a beautiful sweet, loud, kitty named Lioness. I came to that realization when I brought my kitty to my new, yet temporary, home with Bing. She was comfortable so quickly. It surprised me. I was sad to leave the past behind with Snohomish, but ready to to move forward, after several tears.

What is important in my life now is different, I realize I need so little. There are a few things that make me smile, my pink flower pillow, a couple pink blankets, a cup I bought on sale that matches the pillow my crystals, and a dream catcher given by sister. But all that is very low in importance to the two loves in my life, Bing and lioness. It feels like a family, like I am not alone. That frightens me after such a short period to have so much invested, yet it felt and feels so right. I am looking forward to going home tonight, my new home.

sharing and children

Bing and I went to one of my friends houses for dinner and games. It was great when we played kids games those are mindless and fun. I even one once. My friends young boy, 4 years old, came up to me and not only gave me hugs but curled up and nuzzled my neck while I was standing holding him. It felt wonderful. It felt scary. I looked at Bing as I stood there and the boy leaned his head against mine so were were cheek to cheek, and so such love, and appreciation. I really am scared at how good this all feels with him. How I can see us "settling down" and how having a kid of my own. That scares me since I am not sure if I could handle a kid 24/7. Something I don't need to worry about now, but still the thoughts go through my head.

I had such fun and he seemed to click with my friends. This are friends from Subud, a spiritual group I am considering joining. So the fact that he gets along with them, since they are a bit on the fringe usually when they are around our age, means a lot.

I once had a boyfriend hate a group I was part of. I didn't stop him when he put them down, put me down for being in it, and for being rude to my friends. It hurt so much, yet I wanted this acceptance more and he had a way of getting me to think that I needed it to survive. Bing is none of these, but I swore it would never happen again, so I am cautious yet openly falling anyhow. How does one handle that Paradox?

morning poem: The sound of silence

As you lay on my chest, slightly sleeping
I brush my hands through hair stoking
Every so softly. You whimper with little noises
that make me love you so much.

I see you with a child in your arms,
You hold him gently, he falls quiet
Restful and silent. Jealous this makes me
not of him, but what I want.

Knowing how silly I am and quiet and reserved
My body still sends the signals that
Force my body to want you more
for that I love you.

Your heart beating in rhythm with mine,
As you lay asleep in my arms.
Your silent noises that you make when
you sleep are for my ears alone.

Don't Panic

I love Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and I love the phrase Don't Panic. I think that is a mantra I need right now. I am on the verge of temporarily moving in 90% of the time with Bing, including lioness. I am freaked, I am excited, I am confused. I love spending time with him and yes we spend a lot of time together. The other bonus' are there as well, just convenience, and it will make the move in January easier since my stuff will be already at the complex, just moving (hopefully if a place opens up) a few doors down. Having so many hours back in my life, to cut out 2 hours of a commute has been amazing. I am less drained and see light and don't know what to do with my time. I find I am sleeping more lately. I don't know if it is because another cold is going around or it is just that I don't know what to do with myself. There are no couches at his place so I can't really get comfy to read or something else outside of the bed. Which then lures me into sleep.

I am afraid of not having a plan b. A friend came over and he is getting serious with is gf as well, and he doesn't have a plan b. I hadn't thought of a plan b. What happens if you get in this thick with someone and it doesn't work? Maybe we aren't compatible living together, or maybe my cat freaks out, or I freak out or worse he freaks out. It isn't an easy thing to just get out of quickly.

I brought the clothes in from my car. I had a bag full just in case I stayed over at his place. I finally broke down and brought them in and hung some up. I am so grateful for the openness and the allowing me into his life like this, I am just a bit scared that under one of the layers (just like an onion and ogre) there could be something I missed. I mean I know he is a great and wonderful person. But experience makes an otherwise kind kitty shy away from people if she was injured by many.

And yet I find myself calling it home without thinking.

strange utterances

How do you respond to strange utterances in the heat and throws of love? A lot are easy to roll with but some, some are deal breakers for that moment, and others are in that limbo. Somewhere between killing the mood, yet deep in the recesses of your break there is a tiny bit of turn on. I searched for a balance between holding on to that tiny bit, trying not to laugh by being caught so off guard, and thinking about how great the sex felt. But what of the morning after? To confront or not? He is known to be out of it when he is sleepy, a functioning sleeper so to speak, where he is almost completely capable of anything yet is pretty much asleep. Does he remember what he said? I am not one to ice over such things, and I seem to talk things to death, and yet also have a curiosity as to where the thoughts and words came from. Is it really how he feels? Is it how he wishes he felt? Or was it just to try something different to see if it turned me on?

too many to ignore

The events are stacking up around me, ones telling me that this is getting serious...no correction is serious with Bing. I woke up after Thanksgiving to realize that I had clothes hanging in his closet. My cat is moving in with him. I have started calling his apartment home, without realizing it. I look forward to each night I am with him and he curls up to me (spooning....can't remember the last time I spooned with someone) and puts his arms around me and nuzzles his face up to my neck or cheek. I get fluttery when he leans over and whispers a fact to me, something I only said once when I thought he wasn't listening. He wanted me to come with him and help put together his new pool table, even when I was giving him space to have guy time with his friend G. There are so many other things I cannot even get into for there truly are too many. I find myself loving him, and in love in a new way. One that feels like it has always been and the rest was just a dream or memory of another lifetime. I nuzzle my face up to his chest as he holds me after sex and just hold on to him, wanting to make sure that this is reality and the rest is a dream, not the other way around.

I always feel, somebody's watching me...

Thanksgiving. So many things seem to happen to me on or near Turkey day. I went to Bing's (aka penguin) brother's house for the family gathering. Only the brother and sister-in-law knew I was coming. The faces of the other family as they saw me there (we were first to arrive) was mixed, interesting, and somewhat amusing. They were gracious and really let me a part of their gathering. The kids loved me, the cat loved me, in fact he came over to me immediately and then decided to sleep right above my head on the back edge of the couch. I appreciated it greatly, I told him I appreciated his energy and acceptance.

I was being read by all levels of the matriarch in the family. I don't blame them, I would do the same if my brother brought someone over and they weren't already married or engaged (I seem to meet his significant others only after that occurs, maybe there is a reason why other than distance) For once in my life I was okay with it. I had nothing to hide. I am a good person and I know that, and I have light and joy, and I share that freely. That made the whole experience even more curious for me. To see them both kind and yet cautious, from a vantage where it mattered to me if they didn't like me at all, but otherwise the details of what they might or might not like about me, not an issue. It is a major shift in me. The dinner was great and it was the first year I stuck to my goal of no seconds, limited portions and no desert. Again more power building up within me. It helped in a sad way that I knew I was being watched by many people on what I ate or didn't.

All in all I had a great time and felt a flutter when Bing slipped with a "we" about coming holiday events.

morning poem: Lost

I am lost in woods, a feeling I normally like
But without you I am unable to feel the
Normalcy that makes being lost feel so
good.

I awaken cold and broken, with more on my
Mind than I would prefer, I want something
More something that only one thing ever
gives me

You my love, is something so right, I feel
Like I am poisoning you with something
Beautiful, something that you haven't had
in a long time.

I enjoy the fact I am your first, the tenderness
Of your touch, the feeling of your breathe
I will always be there for you, my love
lost in time, forever

rested fantabulously

I slept well last night, but waking up alone was cold. While the air was warm and soft my arm was cold without his hand resting on it, my back was missing the warm and his beating heart.

Last night I was ticklish. I am not ticklish. And yet I am able to let go and have fun. It is about losing control and trusting the other person. It was wonderful, no fantabulous. I also was in his arms, wrapped up in them and for a moment I heard peace, I heard silence, I heard the elusive serenity that transfered between us and I couldn't figure out where his energy stopped and mine began. That is the stuff that feeds the soul, and it did, and it feels wonderful to have moments like that in my life, in any life.

Morning poem: A Single Unanswered Call

The morning dew it lights my life, I sit and watch and the dew
Slowly move down the grass, beading and dropping
The morning cigarette feels nothing compared to her
the waking in the morning with her on my side

A missed called a missed moment, life of moments
I see her in my dreams, I see her in my waking moments
Everyday is another day of missed moments
a missed communication.

Spending time relax, tickling, cuddling
Things we do to make life a moment
Instead of a minute, things that I love
a kiss for a moment in time

gentleness

I feel gentleness surround me, the soft word of my darling, the touch of his hand on the small of my back-barely touching yet radiatingthe warm look from his eyes as he looks over me, the gentle brush of his lips against mine unexpectedly which makes me smile.

Afternoon poem: Sun spots

Mercury rising slowly in the east
A bead of sweat trickles down her breast
A breathe heavy and hard
to see her scream in the wild

My hands do in case her
Hold her gently and firmly to my
Side, I ever so gently kneel
down to her.

Nothing more, nothing less,
Just a slight nudge
She caresses me so slightly
I love how she feels against
my side.

Another day and another leap

So I had a great weekend, even got some work done. I realize when I make a commitment I really pledge my loyalty, my whole Leo thing. And that shows itself in so many ways. It scares me too. It hurts like a knife when either I or another break it or when it is severed. It is also scary to start off wading in and feeling the rip tide pull me in. I am so worried about doing the wrong thing, that I get even more insecure which makes it more of a test to stay strong both for myself and the other. I hate feeling insecure. I hate feeling like I am at the mercy of others. It makes me feel caged. Not that anyone makes me feel caged, it is something that wells up inside of me. Time and finding control will help, but I feel like that is almost impossible to tackle as well. I feel squeezed, perfection, expectations, and everything around me. The saddest part of all this is that I know it all stems from my interior and my keen ability to read too much into others demeanor/words/actions. It is all me and my issues.

the past meeting the present

I got contacted by someone on facebook who is probably a relative to me. This is so odd since Klaisner is such an unusual name. I look forward to seeing if we really are related. I am interested in looking at the signatures and name lists from Ellis Island. I know one of them change their name, and I guess they change the last name from Kleisner to Klaisner, something that wasn't in my story. I thought it was an a since it was Bohemian, not strictly german. The world is an amazing place. The coincidences, if you can call them that, are amazing, brothers with the same name, a family line that are either teachers or ministers/pastors. I am more than intrigued and excited to learn more.

a place...but instead patience

I know patience is a virtue and I know that I need to have that, but damn it I want to be moved. I hate limbo. My horoscope talks about being comfortable with uncertainty. I obviously am not. January seems like a lifetime away, especially with the holidays. Once I make a decision I just want to do it. Dive in.

There is a reason for this I have to be okay with it.

swapping vices?

I have had 3 main vices: shopping, eating, and sex. The last one only works somewhat and since it is rare that I find someone that can provided enough to satiate my vice to fill the void of why I have the vices in the first place, it becomes more of a fun distraction if I am jonesin for a fix of something.

Lately I have been beyond broke, so shopping has not been available to sooth my soul during my stressful time. I have been cutting back on the eating, reducing sugar so I can lose weight. But I am finding I am still hungry. So sad to say, I have kind of taken up smoking a bit. I found some cigarettes that are vanilla so I get a hint of sweet and the nicotine curbs my hunger. It is wrong on so many levels yet, I wonder. Being overweight is no longer a vanity thing, it is a life thing, I have to lose the weight or I will get a lot worse health wise. I am taking other stuff like thyroid and progesterone to help balance and hopefully make it easier to lose weight. And I am on wellbutrin which is something that helps people not want a cigarette. Interesting I don't totally crave it, just sometimes. I know that will change. This isn't the best thing to do or maybe not a smart thing to do, but it is what I am doing now.

a rose by any other name

I got a nick name today by penguin. Something he doesn't take lightly. I am giddy and thankful. I have not been deep with my blog name for him. I have been contemplating what his nick name would be but it has yet to come. It took me 25 years to name my teddy bear, I hope it doesn't take so long to find a name for my baby.

'rents?

I was a bit taken aback by the fact that as I was helping settle penguin into his place he announced his parents would be over shortly, and as long as I was comfortable I was welcome to stay for their visit. I was a bit shocked by it all. I can't remember the last time I met the parents of anyone I was dating. I helped clean up a bit, we worked well together in that aspect. It was refreshing not to be barked at and instead just did our own parts of the cleaning and making everything perfect.

I love the parents accent. His mother joked and even gave me a knowing wink during the conversation. I know they were trying to figure out what the status of us was. I was a coworker, and I was comfortable enough in the home to put away dishes and take their jackets to hang up. All in all it was a pleasant visit. So many layers to them I cannot even imagine in a short visit, but I can feel it. Not necessarily bad or good, just lots behind the veil that is shown. I guess I passed if one can pass such an experience. I closer to penguin than I every had as his parents left. He let me into his life, beyond his home, his bed, but to meet his family. I am honored. That is someone doesn't take lightly, I know that from my own experience.

on my toes

I have never been on my toes so much. I spent the entire weekend with my dear sweet penguin. I hadn't planned on it. There were moments that were less than perfect but it was the most perfect weekend I have had with a boyfriend. Here he is, and we were doing everyday things, and no fights, no put downs, no demeaning behavior that I have seen too often from past "loves". Instead, tenderness, kindness, playfulness and practicalness. We shopped for his place, he is starting from scratch. It is interesting to start with an empty palette, and to see how he colors his life. I have always had a talent to have that eye, and yet with him I don't. I realize I had an ego about what I thought I brought to a relationship. I had utter confidences in why I was a good mate, something that made me worth all my high maintenance, all my crazy. I had skills, one was decorating and having an eye, but several others as well. But they don't apply with him. He constantly goes left when I knew it would be right. I was frustrated at first, but if I knew he was going right it wouldn't be as interesting would it. He continues to be utterly unlike anyone I know down to the core of his being.

I was going to leave his place yesterday afternoon, let him have space and me have space, and as I was saying goodbye to him as he was sleeping, he awoke and pulled me into bed and wrapped his loving arms around me and I felt safe, love and appreciated. I felt a sense of home I have longed for. And we found our space, with each other. It was truly a perfect weekend. For I didn't want to run away, well only once and that was due to my own self centered frustration with money which had little to do with him. My mind was with him, it didn't go off to wonder what else I should be doing. I didn't feel the "shoulds" at all. I can't remember a time that I didn't feel should for so long. I love being on my toes and yet safe. I love falling in love with him more.

Morning Poem: Tenderness

The morning tenderness of evening of sweet love.
I see you next to me as sleep so soundly.
I get up and arouse briefly and fall back to your
quiet sleep noises.

I walk to my computer and adjust the mirror,
So I may watch you sleep to keep on eye on you
I continue to play my game, talk on the phone,
even go out to the store.

I do this because I know when I return I will see
You sleeping in my room, on my bed.
Where I expect you to be, it warms me and
I grow to love you more and more.

Morning poem: Morning sunrise

I awoke, in the pitch of black. I called out her name
I realized she wasn't there
Cold and lonely, I stepped out for a cigarette
the harsh wind, felt nothing compared to emptiness

I traveled down a place, a sea of a thousand faces
I could see hers but no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't get near her, the arms of the other faces
pulling me away.

I bite and kick, I force my way through
To only find her asleep. I caress her hair
Kiss her gently and fall back to sleep. With
the morning sunrise on my chest.

Morning poem: Beauty

The beauty I see in those depths of dark water
I see a shimmer a sparkle
Water black as the night sea,
I see myself reflected back
The cool comfort of black
Which has warming phase to it
I she only allows me to see into the black
The beautiful black pearls of her pupils.

The beginning of the twinkle in my day

Every day I receive a poem so tenderly written for me. It is the breath that is as fresh as the morning dew, the sunshine on my face, it makes my day. I treasure each one for every word. I wanted to share, for words so beautiful were meant to be shared.

Air of Magic

I feel the tips of your music breaking my walls
Slowly but surely allowing the vibration to heat
my soul. There is magic in the air and love in
the magic that brings me closer to your heart.

There is something more, something quiet
brewing in a muscle that I had let die.
For awhile now I slowly allow it to see the
lights.

Like the aurora for the northern sky, I allow
tones of green and blue to fill me. To heal
The place that is so hard so cold is starting
to burn.

I feel breathless and I like it.

beaming

I feel the light, the energy, the pinkness of life beaming out of me today. Every rain drop was a drop the quenched my thirst for life, every breath filled me with joy. I have found new found inspiration about life and work. I am excited to come in and check my mail for sweet thoughts from a dear one. I get delight about turning my pink lights on and sit at my desk and welcome the day. It is days like this that I truly am grateful for my bountiful life and the joy and love that has filled my life and currently wraps me in warm arms and looks at me with a twinkle and a deep sense of appreciation.

for my better good

I am not sure if he so kindly and lovingly asked me to go home for my better good or for his. But once again it was for my better good. I can't thank him enough for the nudge. I seem to be in a weird space that doesn't always feel like me. I know in my mind what I want and then when I am weak and tired and stressed I retreat into what feels good. Be it hiding out at his place, or having a donut instead of oatmeal, it is all retreat. I am still in shock at all that has transpired. I never thought there would be a day that I didn't want to go back to my current home. The home that has been a sanctuary for so long. A place that infused life into me through the soles of my feet and with every breath.

I am learning that in life sometimes there are gradual changes and other times there are abrupt changes. My life is now in an abrupt change. My job, my home, my spiritual path, my ideas. What I once thought would be indefinite has come to its end and it is time to take a new path, a new journey. It hurts and it makes me wonder if my inner self is truly being heard or if my immediate desires are more being catered to. But if it was all wrong it wouldn't work, and it is time to let go. And letting go is now the name of the game, and as fast and thorough as possible.

In the physical it means a basement full of stuff that I have barely used in 3 years to let go. In the spiritual it is letting go of old ties that I thought were my only saving grace, and now I realize I am my only saving grace and that I am surrounded by so many others and so much love that I will be okay always. Emotionally, letting go of the need for what society defines as right in any type of relationship. A relationship of any kind is the kind that is right for you, not what everyone else thinks. A little bit of all is letting go of sugar, and worry and all the unnecessary feelings that fill up my thoughts.

Change of status

Such a small thing, the radio button in a form on a page about me, yet I feel the power and energy that little button holds. It tells the world so much with just being there. I changed it today. It makes me giddy and yet vulnerable. I have made the move first, yet I know it as much as it can mean, it really doesn't have to mean anything. It is how others perceive me, which is a million different ways and truly I cannot control that. That little button can't either. It is all slight influences, snippets into the me I am willing to show to them. Sometimes though it is hard to remember what is the true me. I have been searching for it for so long, but yet I know it has always been here, under muck and worries, under expectations and flesh. It is still a pretty little black dot. It makes me smile. It is unexpected to have it enter into my life, I was prepped for quite awhile having it static and unmoved from its spot.

That spot is representing so much of what I am feeling. It is just something there an abstract idea that I am making into so much more, but yet why can't I make a big deal? I am excited. The change is a thrill, it is a chill, it is tingling all over. It is a sparkle in my eye and one that looks back at me, a soft hand wrapped around mine, a negotiation of your place or mine, quirks and soft spoken words. The dot isn't forever, it is just a dot which I am quite glad about. Forever is so far away, I always thought I wanted forever now, and realized no I just am enjoying the dot...no matter what people think and regardless if there will be a matching dot to recipicate.

pink and fluffy

I look about me and see clouds pink like cherry blossoms in the sky.
Am I awake?
I feel the earth rumble below, and my feet lift up away.
As I rise up I see a field of soft pink cotton candy calling to me.
Am I asleep?
I am.

vice grip of silence

Last night I felt a vice grip of anger and silence. Neither I do well with. Two people who are extremely dear to me were angry and to process the anger they got quiet and stopped talking to me. One has been longer than last night. I cracked and that made them both pull back further and seeth more. Or so it seemed. I made an important decision last night after grasping for them both and both rejecting me I realized this was me. I needed to change the situation.

I cleansed my space, my mind, my chakras, I prayed, I unplugged some, I did everything I have been putting off. I found a new strength that was from within. The one that everyone told me I had. I let go and let god. I let go of the anger I felt back, the hurt, the worry, the fear of them leaving my life completely, for I realized this was my lesson, I needed to stand on my own. I have been putting myself in a no win situation by doing what I want and listening to everyone else.

I felt like I grew ethereally, I felt like a baby bird spreading out those wings and really feeling the strength that ws inherit to the bird by being who she is. I was able to find love in my heart and grow it out. I found smiles which I couldn't find during the day. I was able to be me, the one that I and everyone around me enjoys. I give again, and not just take.

I surrender to the love and light energy that is within me, is me, and is the universe and man does it feel amazing.

fly the coop?

Is it time to fly the coop? To move to a new place? There is an opportunity in West Seattle for twice what I pay now, for one bedroom 800 sq feet. 4 times my space. Though my current rent includes cable and utilities. Yet with all my wireless I get next to no coverage at home. I would be closer to some of my other friends, whom I have drifted from. Though closeness does not equal closeness in friendship always. Wonder what my commute would be. I would miss my train rides. I would miss the dirt under my feet, but closer to a beach and work, and could do last minute planning so much easier. Dating could be a lot easier.

I have known it is time for a bit now. I think of what I will lose, not what I will gain. Much like my job position. I am still hanging onto the past with it as well. It is hindering my productivity. I am bobbing along like a buoy. Yet I also feel like I have more inner peace than I have had in a long time.

night and day

I didn't realize what a transition in my life I am at. I feel there is a door in front of me and if I step forward I will leave I have known behind. So much more happening and it is turning me into a phoenix, I feel like I am being burned down to ashes and yet I am emerging stronger and renewed. Where that leads I don't know and I have decided my head doesn't get the luxury of pondering.

I feel the strength building inside, and the memory of who I am. Now I have to accept I don't know how that fits into the my social and spiritual circle. I can just be myself, utilize my inner love which is my true strength and act as a beam of energy and surrender.

vulnerability and anger

I realize my anger and vulnerability has little to do with penguin. Some definitely, but it has to do with feeling like I am not pushing enough at work and that I don' thave the inspiration, and feeling like I am not being productive which always puts me in a bad mood and being the new girl, vulnerable. I spent two days feeling like I am just eyes about the water.

what the hell was I thinking?

Okay so I am cutting sugar out and PMSing and feel vulnerable romatically. What the hell was I thinking doing all this at once? Oh wait I know what, I will look unbelievably hot, I will have more energy, and the sex will be better. Still sucks now!

Crazed moments

There are times when I say something out loud, and realize I wish I hadn't and wish I could could take a sledge hammer to the words and pound them out of existance.

Is this me?

I, once again, got told in a sweet, warm and cozy way that I am special and beautiful. It has been happening a lot lately. This is a song I have always loved, and always wished it was me, and I am thinking it is me after all:

She Don't Know She's Beautiful
by Sammy Kershaw

We go out to a party somewhere
The moment we walk in the door
People stop and everybody stares
She don't know what they're staring for
She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

There she goes just walking down the street
And someone lets a whistle out
A girl like her she just can't see
What the fuss is all about
And she don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

Morning comes and her hair's all a mess
That's when she thinks she looks her worst
It's times like this she don't know why
I can't take my eyes off her
'Cause she don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her
She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her

She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

the little things

As part of my spiritual growth I am rediscovering the little things in life. The stuff that really matters, no matter what "they" say. It is the door being opened, a smile from a stranger, a compliment that was unprompted. I have been so fortunately to be surrounded by kind little things done by those around me.

I find myself grateful for the offer of a vitamin when someone realizes I haven't been taking one enough, the compliment of my smile being "a million bucks" and my smile and laughter as contagious, someone walking to me to my car at the end of an evening or after work, the lighting of a cigarette, the offer to fix my chair at work or get me an extra cable, offer for a coffee break when they don't want coffee, the soft caress of my back--just because with no expectations or strings attached.

I find inspired. I have received more than given for a long time for all those former hurts. I can't protect myself forever without giving up on living and giving up on who I am. So here I am on a new journey once again.

just say no

I have a problem with candy in front of me, and saying no to something I want, even though I know it will harm me in the long run. Yesterday I had candy on my desk, one of my old managers asked if I would be the keeper and take good care of the "pumpkin" of candy until she got back in 3 weeks. One morning and I had eaten 3 handfuls of peanut butter M&Ms. I wanted to stop but it was there and the moment felt good the minutes, hours, days after would not.

I drove penguin home. He joked about me staying over and I realized it was another peanut butter M&M. Earlier that day I had decided I so needed space and it wasn't him but I hadn't done what I need to do for me. Yet, that evening I felt tired and wanted to just lay in his arms. A big part was comfort and there was definitely some part due to the words he had said to me in the evening, the words that made me feel as though I could truly bloom as a beautiful flower once again. I wanted to savor the moment and feel safe, for I do in his arms. A true calmness that I find rarely with another, but there are a few (not all romantic). And I feel lucky that he saw me or he just wanted time alone too and asked me to leave. I am grateful and had a quiet and serene sleep, warm, safe, and nestled in my bed.

the unexpected unexpected

While getting to know penguin I started to get a sense of being able to expect a certain kind of unexpected actions. I enjoyed it. And yet yesterday he hit me with a totally unexpected, unexpected action. More like many. I saw a side of him and truly a side of myself I had buried.

To get on an even more random tangent, as a girl growing up I gave all of me at first not expecting anything. Then as I grew empty and not knowing how to replenish myself I did it an hoped just for acknowledgement. That rarely happened and the emptiness grew, and I wanted acknowledgement and appreciation. The giving slowed down for I had less to give. I saw my mother's bitterness for giving and not returning and realized I was going down that path. So I blocked off part of myself. Every so often I would try again giving and caring about all the little things in the world about another, and what I received was so often worse than indifference, it was anger. I was called stupid and frivolous and told that I wasn't worth an hour a week of the other person's time.

I had a knowing, which is stronger than any telling someone can give you, a knowing that my giving was right. I just misinterpreted the actions around me as telling me that I was imperfect, and I was at fault and I had to either try harder or give up. I gave up so much. I relied on the one thing I could give and rarely got complaints, sex and general kindness.

But what when they don't want sex? I often feel in the way then.

And then someone comes along and does the unexpected unexpected. And all the people around me circle round. So much unexpected unexpected. I can feel a small part of my heart that had been cold for so long, beating once again. a small opening to the outside world. I didn't want to be vulernable. I didn't want to not know what is to come. Yet the little girl, dressed a pink frilly dress (the one she always wanted but never got) is twirling around and is offering a hand out to have me surrender to the feeling without even identifying what it is or if it is good or bad, just that it is a feeling.

Lips are poison

Groove Coverage - Poison lyrics

(I wanna love you but I,but I better not)

Poison

(I wanna love you but I,but I better not)

Poison

Your cruel device
your blood, like ice
One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill...

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
Your poison running through my veins
Your poison
I don't wanna play these games

(I wanna love you but I,but I better not)

Poison

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace, on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
Your poison running through my veins
Your poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Video from a friend...

thoughts AFTER coffee

After the coffee has sunk in I realize that my mind is taking over and causing problems where one doesn't exist. I love having fun and last night was wonderful. Dinner was fabulous and the conversation both about "our work days" and not was great, the best I have had in ages. It is so easy. Then after even though we were both a bit more on the serious side, I ended up laughing a great amount and was actually ticklish, something that is rare. The dating this is great. I let my mind get hung up on society expectations and forget the real important thing, I am having more fun than I have had in a real long time. And fun is what I want. The rest all works itself out.

On the flipside, I admit I want to stop intimidating or scary people off. I am intense I never say otherwise. but regardless I scare so many. I would rather have fun and let life unfold. Right now I don't want it all. I have too much in my life to be settled. I too want to date others, and am open to meeting people. This isn't running away, this is realizing I jump head in first and don't even try to first look for rocks. I am going to splash around and enjoy.

New job

Today I start my new position at work. I am nervous, excited, hoping I live up to the expectations of me. I never know truly what my rep is, I wonder. I know I work hard, give myself to my work and am passionate almost to a fault. I am just finding the right balance between the job I love and what I do well, so that instead of burning myself out and not being efficient I instead am able to give and also get satisfaction of a job well done thus no burn out.

I sound a bit over the top with my work maybe. Though the fact that we have new people in our group and they are saying I am a good reference for almost all things, it is such a great feeling. I love knowledge, I love to help, and I love being good at what I do.

So on to a new day, doing similar things, just more projects and less phones.

the look of....

I have been so use to being around people who know me, I mean really know me no my looks, my non-looks, by actions, and my non-actions that it is refreshing and unexpected to be around several people now that don't know how to read me. The refreshing part, other than being as transparent as cellophane, is that they see stuff that the others don't. They see things I never knew were there.

I didn't know I looked at a person I am into, note I did not say am in love with--it isn't there yet, I looked at them as someone that I had been with for ever and had immense love for. This explains the reactions by past people I have dated. I scared them I was "intense". Well yea I would react that way too if I saw someone have endearing love in their eyes and I didn't know where I was with the relationship.

But my problem is that I don't fully know why that look is happening now. I mean I love the person in the way that I love people, and yes I care for the person much more than I do than others in my life and I do feel as though our souls just match & remember each other, it is the fluff that covers the souls that is the issue. I started by wanting everything, the commitment the exclusivity, the love. Now I am not so sure, I want time to enjoy getting to know the person. Ironically just when I am unsure I seem to be sending out that I am ready for the next step.

I think I need to have some space, to get back to my needs. Not that they ever wanted me to leave those behind. And I care just as much, in fact more because I want to risk what is, for something better by me being better to myself.

"Let's get physical"

Somehow in my life I took a wrong turn, I went from not eating well but not being really that much over weight to being a lot over weight. I am embarrassed. How did I really get here? why am I here?

I know I have worked on this for a lot of years but so much has been just the work in my mind and not the actual active work. Or I lose momentum and just start making bad decisions, one after another, knowing full well that I am doing it.

As I date again I have found myself more confident than I have been until it comes to the idea of actually being intimate with someone. I know I am not "in shape" and thus what is good is not great. I am limited and I am not truly allowing myself to be the best I can be. It is embarrassing. Add that to the already self conscious thoughts that go on when one gets intimate with another and my insecurity grows. At times I want to just not go there, but that is running away.

Something tells me that, while this is an issue, I am wanting to run away for other reasons and this is just an easy scape goat.

good goofy? or bad goofy?

How do I protect my rediscovery of my goofy free self? It is so easy for me to go back into my head. I let go enjoy then say something to someone or someone reacts a certain way and my old self comes back. I let my brain take over and over think everything and take on all the insecurity thoughts and doubt that I should have been goofy in the first place, that I should have let go as I did. But I should have and it is a good thing I am letting go. Okay I am tired, so I better just stop talking

balance? ch'a as if!

James Ray says there is no such thing as balance. I am starting to agree with him. I have no balance. I am truly perplexed on a multitude of levels. Chaos is not my friend but keeps nudging its way in. Or do I keep inviting him in just because I have known him for so long?

How can I be more specific to the universe on what I want. I am doing the best I can and yet I find that I get exactly what I ask for but in some aspects of my life that isn't really what I wanted. I don't blame anyone but my self and yet I am finding such joy out of what I thought I didn't want. I laugh more, I feel like dancing more, I feel more afraid but actually more at peace than I have before. They are new fears, unlike any I have felt before. I like that they are different and that I am opening up to a whole different world around me. New possibilities.

I always knew that what I thought I wanted was only that way because of what limits I had from my own personal knowledge and experiences. I knew that what I truly wanted, especially for love, is something I have never experienced the likes of before. I am not saying I am there, I am not saying I am not. I don't know where I am, hence no true balance. And the fact I want it to go on forever, burn hot right now, and want it to stop all in the same whirlwind is either adding to the lack of balance or is part of the source. Do I really care which it is? Do I need to? I wonder if I need to know any of it.

a lotus flower opening

I love getting to know people especially the people I consider close or am dating. I seem to have a knack of having them open up to me like a lotus flower. I don't like making them feel vulnerable, but I am just being myself. I am open to share too.

This is my way to tell the person that I am so glad they shared, am honored to have had it shared with me, and understand better where they are coming from. It has really taken a lot of the pressure off since not knowing it is easy to get frustrated and angry.

mixed signals

Mixed signals seem to be the name of the game right now. Both from/with me and from/with some of those close to me.

What is a "commitment"? Sure there are so many levels when dating. But I am totally aware that the man I have been dating is not into commitment right now. Yet at the same time we talk long hours, have great dates, and he makes it a point to go to lunch with me today. I am delighted by this all, and am not complaining I am just confused.

What is a commitment? I don't know if I can answer that myself. It seemed so easy prior to him, I went on a date or two then I would be exclusive with the person then as in a "relationship" and it ended up bad and we broke up. What part really meant commitment to me and more specifically what am I looking for when I use the term? Am I looking for it?

He lights up my life. In such a wonderful way, I see him in the morning and even on a bad day I just want to laugh and kiss his cute square nose. But we are at work so I instead act moody. grr I annoy even myself with that. I am trying not to fall so I try to keep the boundary but long for his chat, for his witty words and raspberries.

So back to this commitment thing. Do I have a hard time he is dating others? Yes, but why? What kind of commitment am I looking for or am I? Is dating one person a major commitment if you are still just dating? When does it become more? So I send all sorts of mixed messages back

rope to tug

When did I become a rope to play tug of war with? I feel pulled in so many directions. I just want a safe place. I know I felt that recently, and admit I crave it and long for it like a drug, but it isn't my safe place, it is just one I get from time to time.

new outlook

Intuition is always right if you listen to it, it is the brain that gets in the way. For me I have re-opened an avenue here, to acknowledge my wisdom. It comes out more when you let the powers that be know you hear and you appreciate them.

I have a new outlook. I am not sure how it will work itself out with those around me but I want to get to life on my rules not that anyone asked any other but I let myself be drugged by the life around me. I am realizing I can have the intoxicating life around me yet do things when I want how I want, I am not weak and that gripping my hand of sand is squeezing it out of my hand and there is sand all over the beach. That sounds like it is laced with messages between the lines but in reality it may but not really.

open blog insert foot.

open blog insert foot.

This is a place for me to get all my crazy out to vent my OCD, what I can't release from my head or from my mouth as it comes out over and over and I sound, even to myself too crazy. Why do I get this way? Does it matter? Isn't this where I learn how and and what is going on with me?

Then why am I afraid sometimes to share? I know that what is writing has more power than spoken words since writing is something you can keep going to.

I love the little things in life and I am reminding myself to take the time and smell the breath and ground and to use this as a forum for myself and if people read it then they see me at my weak points and my strong points. my moment thoughts. Now I am going to bed and sleeping.

That scene...

I don't know about others but I have a scene from a movie that gets me in the most trouble. You know the one that you see and then realize that youare going to do better you are going to get that situation right and make that scene happen when it was suppose to at the beginning of the movie. Then again I am realizing as I write this that that scene wouldn't happen without that other stuff in between.

For me it is the ending of When Harry Met Sally. There he is waking up to his true feelings and realizes that she is THE ONE and doesn't want to wait another moment to see her to tell her to be with her. It is new years and he runs across New York and arrives at this party she is at and she is all alone in a sea of kissing couples and streamers and she seems both relieved and angry to see him. She goes off to tell him that she is done being the back up person, the one that they call on when they don't have someone else special in their lives. She is through. And he gives the monologue that makes me melt every time he speaks it. He proceeds to tell her that it isn't about back ups but he rushed there since that is what you do when you realize that you know love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them. That everything about her is what he wants, he loves that she is the last person he talks to before he goes to sleep and the first when he wakes up. He loves...and he lists all her quirks even that she gets a crease in her forehead when she thinks he is crazy. And She is there crying, and telling him how much she hates him because just when she wants to hate him the most he goes and says something like that, and she really hates him. and they kiss a deep loving kiss.

I meet someone I like, really truly like and I worry about running across the city and finding them rejecting me or with another much happier. I fear about losing the right one. But then again truly how do you lose the right one since if they are truly right they won't get lost. So how do I pound out that need to express my deep intersts without scarying them away. Can I live without them yes. Do I want to, no. Have I said that before about others that ended up hurting me bad, yes. Am I more skiddish this time, definitely. But then that scene goes through my head and I make a jack*ss of myself and push too much. Letting them know how much I really care and how much I hope it works. That would freak me let alone anyone else. When really I am just trying to say in my awkward way, I never learned how to express deep like without coming off as needy and crazy.

lets see if the scene's in my life end up being anything near what the movie or my nightmare.

surprises around every corner

I let loose and play with someone and have the time of my life and yet then he finds a lump in my arm that is alarming, very alarming. Now that is all he seems to want to talk about. I am tryihng to be open yet also stressless about him, about my arm about life. I am going to chat with my arm and see what is going on and see doctors. So much to say about the night. The touch of skin on skin is amazing, it is just right.Our numbers are right, astrological pretty good. and yet I am finally realizing no rush into anything but dating. Sure I don't want him to leave my life, I find a spiritual man who makes me laugh and be myself, but being impatient is just off putting and also not necessary. Friends are good too and I think for awhile one way or another he will be in my life. I obviously hope for the more than friends....but life unfolds as she will and when she will.

I get my hair done and it really turned out blonde and now I am very strawberry blonde. That totally rocks!

I decide to get coffee at the local place Wired & Unplugged and it is just myself and a barista, tall dark and handsome and totally flirting. A computer science guy who doesn't want to do comp. sci.Even played the piano a few bars and cranked up the latin music to see my reaction and we talked about latin dancing. He is a bit shy as well. Interesting for sure.

I love opening up in my life the world just opens back.

Improving on silence?

I think I talk to much. More specifically I say too much. People take me the wrong way. People ask for opinions and I give them. They are just that a thought on a snipet of information. I don't hold back and yea I can be wrong or I can be reacting to the underlying feel not the actual situation or thing. The between the lines energy that fills the air.

Two things come to mind one is a quote I heard, "don't speak unless you can improve upon silence" and the other is that at a certain point it no longer is about you, it is about what the person needs. It isn't invalid nor is it lying but it is showing a bit of yourself that most fits the needs of the person at the time. In this context it sounds manipulative and false, but in reality it is being the teacher and truly respecting the person and hearing the true question not the idle words that come out of someone's mouth. What are they really asking for? What really should be shared and what should be left to mature into a full thought and what should be just discarded without words?

Changing energy levels and growing spiritually I am finding that my old selfish ways where it is truly about what I think of everything isn't wrong but it is selfish and it helps no one, not even me most times.

The peace of a cup of coffee

I take a deep breath and open the glass door to the building. The cheering from the football game roars in the background and fades slowly as the door closes. This has a familiar feeling of a movie I must have seen once. White paper coffee cup filled with my steamed extra foam coffee in hand I walk across the empty foyer. The uneven stone floor keeps me looking down and holding onto the coffee cup a bit tighter than usual. The elevator door opens quickly when called and I walk in and shrug against the back wall. The doors slide together I close my eyes and realize it is familiar because this is how many romantic comedies start, single girl at work alone exhausted working extra hours to make it up the corporate ladder that she isn't sure she knows where it goes, other than she is suppose to be on it. I chuckle to myself as I open my eyes, realizing many horor films start much the same way. So what kind of day was I about to have?

As I closed my eyes I couldn't drown out the chanting that had filled my previous night. If you could even call it a dream, I woke up so many times I didn't know if I ever slept yet was out of it enough to know I wasn't up all night. But every time I "awoke" I hear me calling for him to come to me. Over and over non-stop. Every time I closed my eyes, like this morning, the same chanting filled my head. It rolled around until it pushed all other thoughts out. I was embarassed, did he here me last night? Did I break through the night world of dreams and reach him and keep him up too? Did I wish I hadn't or do I wish I had? If I had that means he can hear me in ways no one else can and I did communication in ways I have always wanted. But if I did then that also means this man I have known for a dozen days has a connection to me that permeates into my night world. Something that has never happened prior. I wanted to be afraid yet I couldn't find the strength to be. I was curious why it had happened more than anything. Why would I call out, I wasn't hurting, I wasn't in need. Was it me or someone else through me? This is a world I have never been a part of. Have I protected myself enough? Not from him but from anyone who might want to protect him and thus see me as a threat? Am I a threat to anyone? All this was again drowned out by the chant as I gave in, closed my eyes and sipped on the warm foamy coffee.

doors flying open and candy pouring out

I never really truly believed in my power of prayer. I believed in others' powers, and that there was a force in the world but not in my powers. And yet I find myself in a room full of open doors and I can't figure out which are false and which are the ones I prayed for.

I did a deep prayer ritual and in the order I prayed for opportunities, manifestations, people in my life is the order they are appearing. But now I find myself not believing all to be true, that some may be false and the dark tempting me into other realms. Do I walk off the cliff or do I inch forward always looking down to see if the cliff is still there. Which is better?

As I type that I already know the answer. I must not only walk off the cliff I must run and yell with glee off that cliff. For I need to stop asking the same question over and over when I was given the answer the first time.

Let go and let god.

Now I wonder what will be behind the next door?! I am excited and scared at the same time. But most of all delighted like a child in a candy shop....being blessed by the candy man showering me in candy like in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (first one).

Pretty in Pink?

It is amazing the power of pink. Pink means so much to so many people. It is more than a color it has become a symbol. To some a symbol of oppression, to others a symbol of freedom, and yet to others a symbol of innocence and little lace dresses.

I have had a relationship with pink all my life. At first I liked it alright, but just couldn't get into it completely so picked the closest thing to it without having the stigma of pink...I chose lavender, and not just any lavender but a very reddish pink lavender. Even at the young age of 9 I found the power of pink, and decided to be the rebel to show I wasn't just any other girl. When my dad asked me what color I wanted my room I proudly shouted purple. Course my sister being even more of a reble and 6 years older chose blue. But I didn't let that daunt me. As I aged I sickened of pastels I clung onto dark colors, glorifying them by calling them "jewel tones" but they were just dark green, dark blue, dark red on occassion and black. I wasn't goth I wasn't one of the "bad kids" in fact I was always the good one, but I shirked all that was overtly girly which meant to me without substance. The girls that had pink anything were blonde, skinny, and talked like there was nothing more important than the shoes they just bought at Nordstroms.

In college I fell even farther from pink and all things girly. The weight I gained didn't help, I covered with dark big clothing. And since I was in geology I used it as an excuse to own flannel, harley t shirts and warn jeans...oh and yes Birkenstock's.

After college I started to really started to break free. Break free of an oppressive relationship, heartbreaks, and found myself independent for the first time ever. I realized that I needed to embrace my true self and that was feminine. I found that I liked pink. It took me awhile before I said that out loud. Gradually I accepted it and really embraced it. I found power in pink. I was a strong independent woman and I still liked pink. I didn't have blond hair I loved getting dirty and wasn't trying to find a childhood. Or was I? Either way I now find really loving pink, which is now more like magenta and hot pink for me, it is being a rebel. How interesting how the tides turn and somehow it always comes full circle.

warmth of a growing flame

There are times in your life when you feel the flame within you flicker, but not in a way like a cool breeze which is jeopardizing its existence but instead a warm cover that makes the flicker grow just a bit and catches your attention. I have been surrounded by cool breezes and fighting to protect the flame. The process has been exhausting. I have a few people who have helped me tend to the flame, reminding me to add oil for fuel, and to remind me that even the smallest flame dispels the darkness around and emits heat.

But what a feeling when you expect a cool breeze and instead feel a momentary warm shield. Not knowing how long it lasts but that isn't the point, it is just feeling the flame have a moment to grow and flurish, it truly adds to its overall strength and to handle the cool breezes when they do come.

flickers

What happens when the burning fire in the soul suddenly becomes but a flicker? When the little things aren't "doing it" anymore? I know it is because I have seen bigger things, greater things.

Fear: the yin to love's yang

I realize I am afraid. I just talked to a great guy who lives in Everett, made me laugh for 20 minutes and I didn't get his name. We were waiting or the train. I am feeling tired and off my game so instead of just following through and waiting for him when we boarded so we could maybe sit together, I opted to work instead. I didn't even ask his name. I was afraid that we wouldn't have anything to talk about and it would be a long awkward train ride, so instgead of taking risk I took the easy way.

Truly what is it about the unknown that scares the human race so? Why does this fear exist, and why does it drive us to wars, bad judgement, and not asking for at least a name.

getting into trouble?

I don't know if this is good news or I am getting myself in trouble. I don't want to over think it, but realize I just took a toe touch or hop over a fine line at work. I flirted with someone at work. He flirted back. We are going for dinner on Thursday. And since pay day is a bit away he is buying, and to make it even I am buying another time...which means I have lined up another time as well. What was I thinking.

There is a country song "What was I thinking?" And it fits quite well, but in an opposite way since it is me and a guy. But I won't be hurt if we are friends or if we aren't. So there ya go. Do I think of kissing him and snuggling him, ch'a. Should I? That is another story or is it? Really is thinking bad? Thinking about another man who is in my life and unavailable has been difficult. Lately I keep finding those sort.

I am looking for relationships on all levels so I am putting myself out there. I am talking to people more, but listening more. Okay so the last one has had mixed success, but I still have intention and will listen to not just the other person but the person's higher self and my higher self in response. Slow changes and really change of mind. And my mind is changing.

And I am ready for bed. So I plan to now call it a night (after I get home-still on the train, feed the dogs, etc)

What is my nature?

What is my nature? Someone made a comment about doing something against my nature. And in reality it wasn't against my nature, at least I thought. It was about cleaning.

The problem comes from a cycle. I am depressed so try to fill the void with shopping. The stuff I buy for don't have a place and I don't want to let go of the other stuff since it might fill my needs, or better yet someone I care for's need, which would mean I would be liked which might drag me out of the depression and live happily ever after. So then I have this stuff, so much, that beautiful jewelry gets thrown in a box with my collection of rocks, things get stepped on, and I don't miss the jacket that I bought 4 months ago until I refind it. These things don't make me feel safe but they do make me feel in control and prepared. Prepared for a day I can't afford these things. If I lose my job or the world comes to a near end and someone needs that perfect shade of pink nail polish.

For this stuff I will find love and friendship. It will fill the void. And as I look at the stacks and get more depressed thus buy more stuff that has no place to put "away".

It is a vicious cycle and makes sense at the time. At this point it sounds ludicris. But this is what I am leaving behind. I am leaving behind the choice to be depressed. From that I am deciding that I am going to have freedom from being the one that "always has" and be the one that can take care of myself and that is enough, and best of all someonethat can rely on the idea that I and the universe (for both are the same) can "handle" anything that comes at me, whether I have a lot of stuff or not.

millions of mini opportunities

Life is filled with a million mini opportunities. I missed my train by 1 minute (slept through all my alarms). Instead of being upset I realized there is a wonderful opportunity. I have been putting off dealing with my car for a long time. The back seat is just packed of crap. Yes mostly it is crap. So for the 25 minutes I had before getting on the the train I seised the opportunity. I grabbed a couple plastic bags that were part of the pile of unknown mystery and made one for "need to really deal with" and trash. I emphasized primarily on the trash. now I have a clear back seat and while I didn't have a place to put the other stuff other than the floor of the back seat, it is compartmentalized and ready to go.

I am utilizing the time in the bathroom as well, right after brushing my teeth in the morning I grab a clorox wipe and wipe down the counter, my shelves, and the toilet. Giving the toilet a little swish with a brush as well. It is wonderful.

The icing on the cake for me is that last night I took a herb bath. I knew the bathroom was clean (other than what my housemates might have done) so I ran water and at the end I took the washcloth I used in the bath put some shampoo on it and wiped the tub down. Soap is Soap! Wow what a realization. No harsh chemicals and it smelled like sweet orange and it cleaned easy and rinsed easy. It took less than a fourth of the time.

I have been asleep so long. I am so grateful to be awake.

going home feeling tired but fabulous

Okay I just put in 3 more hours at work. I was overwhelmed with the number of cases I had in my lobby. I know that means so little to most people. We have each contact from a merchant in a case. Each case is a mini project. I was up to 82 cases today. Think about it this way if you spend just 10 minutes on each case (not even bringing in the fact that I answer phones all day and get more cases all the time and interrupted) that would be almost 2 days straight. Then the phone calls, that adds another 20-30 cases per day, and then there are new cases that need to be pulled, I should pull at least 8 but really should pull more. My bare minimum goal is 10 per day. I haven't made that. So I am leaving after a slow day (love sundays!) and a productive mood and 3 extra hours of work with only 40 cases. WOW! Last week I worked an extra day and only did 53 cases, I have done close to that already.

But it is less about me, it is about both the merchants and the team. I am not able to help either if I am drowning in my own work and in all honesty in my own inefficiency. I am determined that I am at this moment an efficient being who puts in the extra bit but not frivolously.

So to another productive day!

what is the opposite of the bed bug? Cleaning Bug?!

Once the bug hits you it is less like a bite and more like a bucket of water being thrown on you when you are in a deep sleep. It is like "okay okay I am up!"

Yesterday I lost my timer and I had no problem diving in mainly to find that timer but also to just get to the bottom of things. I broke out the vacuum cleaner and I am so excited. It really does it for me to have the right tools to do the right things. Some people don't understand how I can be so cluttered and dirty for so long but have a passion about cleaning tools. Right now I am drooling over Flylady's duster. I see so many places it would be great. Maybe for my birthday.

Yes I have gotten jewelry as gifts, and gosh all sorts of things but what I truly want and what would make me beyond excited is the :"Ultimate Duster" from flylady.com. Check it out yourself: http://flylady.com/pages/FlyShop_UDuster.asp

Honey & Cinnamon: have some today!

The wonders of honey and cinnamon
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

It is found that mixture of Honey and Cinnamon cures most of the diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Ayurvedic as well as Yunani medicine have been using honey as a vital medicine for centuries.
Scientists of today also accept honey as a "Ram Ban" (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases. Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients.

Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada, on its issue dated 17 January, 1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by Honey and Cinnamon as researched by western scientists.

HEART DISEASES: Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, chappati, or other bread, instead of jelly and jam and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also those who already
had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack.
Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heartbeat. In America and Canada, various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as age the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and
cinnamon revitalizes the arteries and veins.
INSECT BITES: Take one part honey to two parts of lukewarm water and add a small teaspoon of cinnamon powder, make a paste and massage it on the itching part of the body slowly. It is noticed that the pain recedes within a minute or two.
ARTHRITIS: Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured.
In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week out of the 200 people so treated
practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.
HAIR LOSS: Those suffering from hair loss or baldness, may apply a paste of hot olive oil, one tablespoon of honey, one teaspoon of cinnamon powder before bath and keep it for approx. 15 min. and then wash the hair. It was found to be effective even if kept on for 5
minutes.
BLADDER INFECTIONS: Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder.
TOOTHACHE: Make a paste of one teaspoon of cinnamon powder and five teaspoons of honey and apply on the aching tooth. This may be applied 3 times a day till the tooth stops aching.
CHOLESTEROL: Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10% within 2 hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken 3 times a day, any Chronic cholesterol is cured. As per information received in the said journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.
COLDS: Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for 3 days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold and clear the sinuses.
INFERTILITY: Yunani and Ayurvedic Medicine have been using honey for thousands of years to strengthen the semen of men. If impotent men regularly take two tablespoon of honey before going to sleep, their problem will be solved.
In China, Japan and Far-East countries, women, who do not conceive and need to strengthen the uterus, have been taking cinnamon powder for centuries. Women who cannot conceive may take a pinch of cinnamon powder in half teaspoon of honey and apply it on the gums frequently throughout the day, so that it slowly mixes with the saliva and enters the body.
A couple in Maryland, USA, had no children for 14 years and had lost hope of having a child of their own. When told about this process, husband and wife started taking honey and cinnamon as stated above; the wife conceived after a few months and had twins at full term.
UPSET STOMACH: Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomachache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.
GAS: According to the studies done in India & Japan, it is revealed that if honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.
IMMUNE SYSTEM: Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of honey strengthens the white blood
corpuscles to fight bacteria and viral diseases.
INDIGESTION: Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food, relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.
INFLUENZA: A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ingredient, which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.
LONGEVITY: Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly arrests the ravages of old age. Take 4 spoons of honey, 1 spoon of cinnamon powder and 3 cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, 3 to 4 times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and
arrests old age.
Life spans also increases and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old.
PIMPLES: Three tablespoons of Honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.
SKIN INFECTIONS: Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.
WEIGHT LOSS: Daily in the morning 1/2 hour before breakfast on an empty stomach and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one-cup water. If taken regularly it reduces the weight of even the most obese person.
Also, drinking of this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.
CANCER: Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month 3
times a day.
FATIGUE: Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon power in equal parts, are more alert and flexible.
Dr. Milton who has done research says that a half tablespoon honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3.00 p.m. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.
BAD BREATH: People of South America, first thing in the morning gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water. So their breath stays fresh throughout the day.
HEARING LOSS: Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder taken in equal parts restore hearing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for
a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey
month ... which we know today as the honeymoon.


"Live Well; Laugh Often; Love Much."